Money. in Since OD is shutting down....

I think they’ve probably gotten the PIN by now to set up on account to make a payment if not by tomorrow. I don’t plan to say another word about it but I’m going to be super pissed if I don’t start seeing payments. I’d honestly like to say that y’all just aren’t going to see her again until payments are made but that isn’t right and I don’t want to use my daughter in a sick game of tug of war like that. The ball is in their court now so let’s see what happens. I’m honestly really fucking stressed about money and pray to God that they do the right thing and payments are made because I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold my tongue.

My Dad is supposed to get a settlement and I kinda wonder if that happened today. I haven’t heard from them and I don’t want to call because if they didn’t, I’m going to have to hear about them needing groceries and I really can’t help because then we are going to run short on food. If they did get money, I doubt they would give me some and I don’t want them to because then they’ll just waste whatever they got and I would just end up giving whatever they gave me in some increments. They gave me $75 at the beginning of the month and I’ve since gave it back to them so it’s pointless taking money from them. I’d rather they waste whatever they get and not feel obligated to help them.

I’m really stressed about the modification on Thursday and I wonder if he plans on attending. I’d be super pleased if he didn’t because I don’t want him or his girlfriend hearing that I’m a SAHM because that will definitely be something brought against me later. I do plan to get a job but I just can’t as of right now because I don’t know if I’m going to have childcare at the end of next month until school starts. I also have to see about my back issues and it was killing me just this morning. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if I need surgery because there’s no one to take care of her for me to recover.

It’s going to be nice to get the modification over with. I’ve stressed about it for weeks and it’s going to be nice to have it behind me. I’m just hoping to start seeing some money but even if I do, there’s no promise it will be consistent because he’s working for cash and there’s no telling how long things are going to work with the girlfriend.

I’ve made lunch and taken a shower. Laundry is done and put away. It was a huge load and I’m so glad it’s all done. It was hard on my back folding and hanging stuff up. I shouldn’t have waited so long to get it done. We hung out over at my brother’s last night where her and my niece put Halloween makeup on and she had to have a bath this morning where it killed my back bending over washing her hair and it made me super grumpy. I’m going to get her pretty soon because she has a field trip tomorrow kind far away and I want her to get to bed early because she was up a couple hours past her bed time so I want her to have time to eat, take a bath, time to wind down and get to bed early.

I need to take the next few weeks to really decide on a job or what I plan to do because my loneliness is really starting to get to me and I need to make a plan and get my life figured out. I seriously can’t sit here by myself anymore. My life needs to mean something and I want to be more than just a Mom. I love my daughter but all I do is worry about keeping her entertained. She has her field trip tomorrow and then I’ll get her after lunch on Wednesday because her big sister is going to pick her up to take her birthday shopping because she’s going to be out of her town for her Grandma’s funeral and will miss her birthday.

I’m in my head too much and I need to start being able to have a life. I have to start working through my trauma. There’s stuff his girlfriend says that’s triggering to me. I was talking to my friend today that says it’s probably innocent but I tend to take it the wrong way because he’s fucked my head up so bad. I need to be busy. It’s just not healthy that I spend so much time by myself and not enough time with other adults.

I don’t know, I may say something about how I’m under no legal obligation to allow visits just like how he doesn’t have to pay his child support and one of the main issues is how he’s never had to have accountability. I am going to do what I can to avoid saying anything at all because I do want my daughter to see her Dad but I can only hold back for so long too. It’s like the longer I go without saying anything the longer he’ll go without paying.