Trauma in Since OD is shutting down....

So his girlfriend messaged me today while my daughter was with her big sister and asked what my daughter wants for her birthday. I about shit my pants. He has NEVER asked shit like that. She also asked we were both doing. It’s just a whole different vibe and all brand new to me. I told her a few things and she said they want to take her for pizza and do cake. I told her that I thought she was a blessing. She said she didn’t really want to say anything about her and him and it’s like okay I didn’t ask and I could care less. I wanted to tell her that he’s only with you because you’re beneficial to his life, like you wanna go low and I can go lower but that wouldn’t be nice so I didn’t. I told her that he showed up to her 2nd birthday party to get pics for a gofundme and got money that he kept for himself because he’s a deceptive creature.

I later told my friend where she agreed that I shouldn’t have said that because the girl knows he’s fucked up and with time she’ll realized just how fucked up he is. I think there’s a lot of reasons why I just keep spewing this shit out. I think it’s because he’s always pained a very ugly picture of me and I never got the chance to give my side. I think it’s trauma from being left to raise a child by myself. I think it’s anger. I think it’s from not getting the chance to have social life.

There’s a lot of things about myself I am definitely proud of in this starting with the fact that I am communicative with the girlfriend after YEARS of him saying how jealous I was. I don’t mind that he has a girlfriend whatsoever. She’s putting up with all of the shit that I wouldn’t. I am just pissed that it was HER that included my child last night when the thought didn’t even cross his fucking mind. I wonder just how many times they’ve been out this way and he didn’t even think to get a hold of me and ask if he could have her. He willingly chooses to forfeit time with his child and that’s completely okay I guess.

As time goes on, I’m starting to realize more and more that I have a lot of stuff that I really need to work through. I have a lot of anger, sadness, and hurt that I need to deal with or I’m never going to truly be happy or be able to trust a man. This guy really got to me a lot more than I’d like to admit and I need to deal with it. I want to be in a relationship someday but until I deal with the shit that’s in my head, I can’t even consider being with someone. I also had a childhood that was completely fucked up. I didn’t have role models, I had a lot of really fucked up adults that showed me what I didn’t want to be and situations I didn’t want to ever find myself in.

He got to me more than I will ever be able to put into words and we never even dated or lived together. I have a lot more issues than I ever realized and I have to start dealing with everything. I’m glad that he has a supportive partner but I just don’t want her to take it upon herself to try and get him to step up and be a Dad like I’ve tried to do either. That’s not fair to her. I’m glad she cares I guess but she’s going to get burnt out and all I know is if he fucks up this time, he will never see her again unless it’s court ordered.