The report in 2023

I received the final forensic pathology & coroner’s report yesterday.

I guess somehow I thought that reading them over would make this real? It did not.

The pathology report showed you only had cold meds in your system, but I had guessed that because the cold & flu meds were on the bathroom counter that morning. You didn’t have a cold, Babes, you were having a heart attack.

The coroner reported a “near total stenosis (~100%) of the proximal left anterior descending coronary artery”.

He also noted a prior 2cm scar on your left ventrical. I know exactly when that was. In fact, it’s been almost exactly a year .. I was in BC for Emily’s grad last summer and you had a “panic attack” at work so bad that your Dad wanted to call 911 because he thought you were having a heart attack … which you clearly were … but you assured him you were fine and went the fuck back to work and when I came home, I dragged you to the doctor because if your “panic attacks” were that bad then you needed help.

But -insert scathing string of expletives here- they weren’t panic attacks!! They were angina and a heart attack!!

And then 10 months later you were fucking dead from the big one.

I’m not going to tell your Dad about the scar on your heart. I’m pretty sure he would kick himself for the rest of his life for not forcing you to the doctor that day.

Ahhhh Babes, you frustrate me. That’s so unfair, isn’t it? To be frustrated with you now?

We could have caught this.

You could have prevented this.

I’m not mad at you, Babes … I’m just sad … I miss you so desperately.