My problems. in Since OD is shutting down....

Friday night we went to my brother’s house and hung out. We had a few drinks and my brother started going on and on about how I needed to get a job and blah blah blah. How does he not know that’s what I’ve been wanting to do for how long now? I was also talking about asking kid’s Dad and girlfriend to take my kid for a week in August and he said for me to not ‘abuse’ it. I was pretty fucking irate about that statement. Um, he wasn’t abusing things by NEVER being a Dad and I took care of her all these years by myself?

I’m planning to have her party at their house in a couple of weeks and my brother said I should invite him and his girlfriend. I’m just not ready for that. I know that I have a really good thing with the girlfriend so far but I just don’t want to be around him. I also worry about either my brother or kid’s Dad trying to make me look bad or something. I’ll put some serious thought into it but I’m also a really awkward person anyway and that I think would just be too much for me. I think we need to give it time and we just aren’t there yet.

We were sitting here last night and his girlfriend wanted her so I dumped her off and he didn’t even know about it. I was pissed that they were in town and he didn’t even think to include his child. I’m glad that she thought to but why didn’t he? So she went for a couple of hours and then they dumped her off with me at my brother’s house. Just he got out with her. He said bye to her and hugged her. I waved and he waved back. My daughter called him a few minutes later where they were eating at a restaurant and that pissed me off because why didn’t they take her with them? My brother said maybe because they were respecting bedtime but it was Saturday night. But whatever I guess.

I think there’s a lot that’s pissed me off more trying to ‘co-parent’ than just having nothing to do with him. I admit, I like the girlfriend and I really hope that he plans to do right by her but even if they break up, I hope she stays involved with my kid. She’s tried to send me money over Facebook but I’ve talked to my caseworker and they’ve sent a PIN for him to set up an account online for payments to be made directly through them and hopefully they’ll get it and I’ll see a payment sometime within the next few days. I definitely appreciate the girlfriend but again, I don’t see this working out forever. I also told her the other day I don’t want to take money from her but she’s adamant that it’s not hers, that it’s his but I still question it.

My brother was giving me shit last night about the modification and said things about how I just want him to pay my bills and kids don’t cost more than $300 a month especially now that she goes to school and her Summer program is free. My argument is he didn’t pay anything all those years I worked and paid thousands just in childcare, not including all her other expenses and I paid for EVERYTHING by myself. It’s definitely not as expensive now but it’s like my brother just wants for her Dad to get as much of a free pass as he can possibly get because not paying for the past 2 years hasn’t been enough.

I was paying thousands a year just for childcare and that was even with assistance so I could work. That wasn’t so I could go out and party or date. He was able to completely forget about even having a child while I was running on maybe 3 hours of sleep every night for months at a time. Even the few times I asked for his help, he would call me every name in the book and still not help! There is only so much you can do when there’s no help from the Dad and you have no village whatsoever. I walked around more depressed than I had ever been and no where to turn. Sometimes I didn’t even know how I got through the day.

My brother likes to talk about how women are just really emotional creatures and tend to be really vengeful but I don’t think of myself as trying to be that way whatsoever. I used to because I wanted to hurt my kid’s Dad like he had hurt me. I completely and totally admit to that. I don’t feel that way now and haven’t in a long time. I also want to point out that even currently he’s given me a fake address and is still working for cash to avoid accountability and even with the modification, he still has a choice in paying the child support. He’s had the warrant for a year an a half, has never been in jail for this and is still out walking around so I don’t see what the big deal is.

I think that I have been really fair and reasonable in all of this. I’ve definitely had my moments where I could have handled things better though. No matter how he’s treated me, I’ve always maintained perspective. My brother said that I just want him to pay my bills. Absolutely not, I just want him to start being a responsible parent and pulling his own weight where his child is concerned.