Added thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I want to talk more about that guy from the other day. I’m honestly still really pissed off and hurt by his comment that I was just out to use him for his money. I plan to talk to my friend about how to avoid something like that in the future because I don’t want to experience that ever again. I am all about being honest but I need to figure out how to avoid oversharing information that could lead to a comment like that next time.

The fact that this guy could make me that livid just through text is unforgettable. I just don’t appreciate someone attacking me for being a single Mom. I had help becoming that. It took 2 people to create my daughter. I just don’t appreciate being made to feel like I’m the problem because some guy knocked me up, left me to raise a baby by myself and doesn’t contribute financially. It’s like he asked what information he needed to use it against me. He went out of his way to weaponized someone else’s fucking choices and make me feel like shit. Like I’m the incompetent one in this.

I definitely felt that my boundaries had been tested, there was just too many red flags, and him not only mentioning money but obviously concerned that I was trying to use him was the last straw. I don’t even ask my daughter’s Dad for money or even expect it anymore so why in the absolute fuck would I have expectations of some guy that I met off a dating page to financially be responsible for my daughter or myself? That doesn’t make fucking sense? I don’t ask or expect money from anyone. I go out of my fucking way to figure shit out with no one’s help and I will continue to do so.

It’s just crazy in this day and age where men just expect women to do it all on their own. I don’t have a problem with that but I’m not going to be made to feel bad about my daughter’s Dad’s choices either. I also don’t understand the deadbeat mentality for all these men I have ever talked to where no one even thinks that her Dad should help in any type of way. This world has definitely changed in the past few decades. If men don’t want any responsibilities then they should get fixed so they don’t have to ever worry about taking care of the babies they help make and bring into the world.

Again, I could understand if I had asked this guy for money but I never did. I never planned on it and it wasn’t even a thought in my fucking brain. I just don’t appreciate someone assuming my intentions. I just think if you are this paranoid, you should probably work on yourself and not being trying to date and waste someone’s time. I would NEVER ask a man for anything. I know better. I dated a guy a few years ago that has since passed away and he did this thing where he would offer me stuff and then tell me I was using him and that’s always stuck with me. I’ve had a lot of really bad experiences over the years and that’s why I make sure I pay for all of my own shit and my daughter’s because I don’t want anyone to ever say that I’ve used them or I’ve had ill intentions.

I make sure that I pay our way with everything. If there’s a plan for us to go do stuff for other people and I can’t afford it, we stay home or do something else. Even when people offer to pay for us, I will not accept because I don’t want to risk hearing about it later. I just don’t have the train of thought to get stuff from others. I will not set myself up to hear about me being a user or whatever.

The truth of it is, I did mine. When I was growing up we were dirt poor. I used to steal a lot as a child. I definitely used people throughout my life. I did a lot of things that I’m not proud of. I’ve made my mistakes. I ruined many friendships because of the way I was. It took me a really long time to realize that my parents gave me a really bad start in life and growing up, I watched them use their friends and my grandparents and I didn’t realize that them always borrowing money and not paying it back was not okay. I lost a really good friend about 10 years ago because I used the absolute shit out of her. I was in a really bad place physically and I couldn’t work and this girl took me out to eat all the time, she let me use her insurance card so I was able to get dental work done, I don’t even remember all of it and next thing I knew, she cut off all contact.

I’ve not always been the best person and I’m honestly sorry for the things that I’ve done and for how I’ve made other people feel. I remember being pretty angry that she quit talking to me but then I sat back and thought about probably why. I still think if I ever see her around, I’m going to tell her how sorry I am. I admit that I didn’t realize just how much I was using her and it’s probably more than what I even remember but I want to figure out how to find her and repay her. I’m no saint but I can say that I’ve changed my mindset in the past decade and I’m not the same person I was, by far.

What pisses me off is how much I have changed and people are still assuming the worst. I never even brought up money to that guy and he was still just so sure I was out to use him and I never even thought about it. I get that he’s probably been used but that’s not my problem. I’m not going to have someone make me feel lower than dirt and punish me because people treated them bad. You don’t get the luxury to hurt others or punish them simply because of your past. You need to get help so you don’t hurt people because people hurt you.

I’m not going to let myself get abused because someone else got abused. I don’t give a flying fuck what this guy has been through whatsoever, he’s not going to take it out on me. I’ve been through more than enough my entire life. You aren’t going to abuse me to try and make up for what’s happened to you. I just felt that the way he snapped at me, didn’t respect my boundaries and then after the whole money thing came up that there was too many signs that he could’ve turned out really abusive.

I think the majority of the people on these dating sites have some serious defect and that’s why they are single. I’m not saying that it’s just men, there’s plenty of damaged women out running around too. I think there’s just too many mental problems and shitty circumstances for relationships to really work. We all have trauma and reasons why we are the way we are but you can’t expect to hurt people to make up for people hurting you. Seriously, you just don’t get some special privilege and if you think that you deserve that, please seek help.

From what I gather, most men aren’t trying to to add something good to your life. They are trying to stress you out, be a headache, and control you. I don’t think it’s possible to find an actual partner. Just someone you can call to vent, even for moral support. In this day and age you can’t even find that!

It seemed like once he learned that I was a single Mom that he had just sat back waiting for me to say something he could use against me. I guess I should feel fortunate that he showed his true colors as quickly as he did so I didn’t waste any energy meeting him face to face and then really be disappointed. Ridiculous that all these men can’t keep up the good guy act for more than a few days.