Melancholy in Age 35

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am taking Celexa and Wellbutrin to help me out and boy do they! I am so thankful that there are medications out there that are used to treat these conditions. However, much like having diabetes or any condition really, you can’t only manage it with medications. There is upkeep you have to do too. Whether for physical conditions it be exercise, diet, or some other thing, you also need to do stuff for mental health.

I used to talk to a therapist, but had to stop due to money issues. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since my early twenties. I wish someone had told me what a gut check getting pregnant was going to be. With my son I was cloud nine because of the testosterone I think, but oh man, about 4 days after I delivered I was in a world of hormones, crying, and unable to think for myself. I finally went back to the doctor and got back on my meds (which I had weaned myself off of a few years prior), and was finally able to bond with my son about 4 weeks after starting them.

The only way I can describe depression and anxiety is like being stuck under a veil. You can see the outside world, you can feel it, and you know how it works and how things should be, but you cannot interact with it the way you should. Really, the way you want to. You’re under this veil where people can still see you, but they see a distorted version of you. Not the real you. Once you take the meds, its like the veil lifts (at least for me) and you can finally see with clarity. And you remember and know what it felt like to think and be under that veil. And with the medications on board, the veil lifted, you know that the way you were was wrong. You can think with clarity and see things logically and clearly.

However, sometimes the veil threatens to come back. Even with the medication, journaling, exercise and whatever else you do to maintain your mental health, there are periods of ‘relapse’ as I call them. Where again you’re feeling more emotional that usual, you’re crying, angry, shy, unwilling to talk or however it is that you experience your depression. And again you know this is wrong. You’re wasting time and energy on something so stupid, so silly. But you can’t get past it. These emotions and thoughts take up your time and then begin to suffuse your whole body.

When that happens, the veil is back. And working through it and getting it off again is hard. You have to be a spouse, parent, worker, and human being with this veil on you that absolutely burdens you. These thoughts come back of negative self thinking, worse cast scenarios, and just thoughts of being useless or not cared for. And its all UTTER CRAP. You are worth it, you are wonderful, and people do love you. The only voice (usually) telling you you’re crap is the one in your head. And all you want to do is tell it to FUCK OFF.

Most of the time through interventions (journaling, talking it out, exercise, work, hobbies, distractions) it does fuck off. Very few times it doesn’t want to and you have to fight with it. I am going through a relapse right now. I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head, and at the same time if someone is reading, maybe vindicate them?

I have gotten smarter with the mental health. I am an RN who works in an urgent care. I have had a few people come in for anxiety and panic attacks and when I close the door to the room and talk to them and tell them that hey, I go through that too. They seem to feel seen. As you can assume from earlier in this post, I went through post partem depression with the first child. With my second I was a bit smarter.

I spoke to my midwife and told her that I wanted to get back on my medication around my 36th week so that I can get ahead of the crap-storm that was sure to happen. She referred me to a psychiatrist and he monitored me while pregnant and on my medications. He answered all my question about fetal development while on anti depressants. Let me tell you, starting my medications at 36 weeks was the best damn decision ever!

I had no issues with my delivery AND I was clear headed and able to bond better with my newborn this time around. I especially try to talk to pregnant women who feel as I did, and have depression or anxiety while pregnant. Because as much I researched literature in academia about depression, there was nothing on antepartem depression management. Or at least very little. And its sad. If OB and psychiatrists would work together more closely the outcomes of antepartem and post partem depression I am sure would be MUCH better.

I just thought I would get this off my chest and hopefully speak to someone out there.

You are never alone in this. Its just people are either shy or ashamed to talk due to the stigma. Not me. I HAVE DEPRESSION/ANXIETY AND I AM ON MEDS. But it took awhile to get here. And as you can see where I mentioned it earlier, I still struggle with it.