why not? in Second 1st

So, called Mom today to tell her that we plan on moving to MI. She is not thrilled but seemed to be kind of “whatever” about it. Mom had said, “We will be up there to get the stuff out of your garage.” (meaning the shed we got last year). I said “Well we can have a yard sale or 2 before then Mom. We aren’t moving overnight.” The conversation was then full of Dr. appointments for Joshua, Alicen, her and her husband.... but that’s what you do when you have a house full of people right?

So, I’m still in the WTF stage.... I don’t know what we are really doing but .... what it looks like is.

Rocky is willing to get a place with Jake and I in MI. That we would all move in together and work towards goals all 3 of us can get behind. I do not know if this will work....

So many thoughts.... like can they even get along? Like they don’t hate each other now.... Rocky has never been the jealous kind and Jake claims to be polyamorous. So if he can’t understand that it’s possible wouldn’t he be the biggest hypocrite?

We have so much to talk about and go over.... Jake is going to have to visit for at least a week to see if they can even be in the same space at the same time....

Then, there will have to be a plan in place.... something… step by step.... get an apartment and move after/before/during selling the house? ..... What about our stuff? U-Pack or Pods....? and when.... and where....

Honestly, I’m afraid Rocky will feel like the 3rd wheel before a month is out.... however, anything that puts him on the side of selling the house and moving me up there is what has to happen. I will not be without something to show for the 16 years in this relationship. So… Rocky and I have talked about when the house is sold we will pay off his student loans and tie the rest in a CD or something. Whatever money is left will not go towards anything except.... if things do seem to be working out after 6 months and we start talking about a house.... OR if they don’t work out and we split the money 50/50 do the divorce and move on with our lives....

I have talked to Rocky about how things will need to change because Jake is not going to be his personal butler. I already do all the house work and he knows it.... he helps occasionally.... Jake literally took the trash out at Destiny’s when coming by to pick me up.... just cause. Destiny says he does shit like that all the time.

Jake and I talked about it and we agree that the #1 reason Rocky wants to come is because he’s so used to me taking care of him he’s scared of life without me, like a child. Ï would follow you anywhere mom if it means I don’t have to grow up.” or some such thought.

I would agree to anything the guys agreed to in order to keep the peace. The house would need to get sold either way. If divorce were the case Rocky would put up a fight and it would be an issue. We have talked about it.... he would want to keep the house.... and then lawyers would be involved because I’m not having that.... So in order to sell the house peacefully....we are going to give this a go? .... When? I don’t know.... I miss Jake but my feelings for him are very strong so at this point in time I’m starting with talking.....

Talk to family and friends so they aren’t shocked when it’s time. Talk about how we intend to move so we have some kind of plan. Talk about scenarios that might happen. Ask questions.... maybe find some polyamorous folks who have been together and talk to them. I really don’t know..... but....

What I do know is that I’m not ready to live in regret again. I did enough of that when it came to Jim and I’m not ready for that. I will pursue what my heart asks for. Jake has mental health issues and I’m not entirely positive we can build a stable home together. That does not keep me from loving him and wanting to be with him. Rocky is a boring rock who seems happy with just existing. I am no longer happy with existing and I would like to live now. I haven’t been happy with just existing for a long time and he’s been aware.... before Jake.... I guess he’s willing to at least try something he thinks might make me happy.

How is this even going to work? .... no idea. My guess is schedules, communication and respect. In the end though if those fail.... well I know how Rocky and I are… and I can’t live like this. Going through life feeling unloved knowing Jake is out there.... and if not Jake that the idea that someone would be willing to show me love and affection I desperately desire.... How could I stay? So why not try?