A Life In Neutral in Ultimate Randomness

Times like now, I wonder who it was who first noticed that, sadly, some of us men do our best thinking in the bathroom. In any case, this is probably not going to be a long entry at all. The last week and a half since the car was fixed have been pretty much back to the same old shit. Work at the Hut, where a driver, who I truly dislike for many reasons and who had left, was rehired. To the cafe which, sad to say, is the place I feel the most relaxed now, even with my coworker who can be extremely annoying at times. To the house, where I pretty much sit in my room and watch television or, on occasion, play a video game. Apart from those three places, I haven't really been much of anywhere else. I haven't had any desire to make myself go anywhere and there certainly isn't anyone to drag me out. I have come to a final realization though. This is my life and it isn't going to change. I am going to spend the rest of my life working dead end jobs and barely scraping by, if that. There is a strong possibility I will let things go and end up on the streets after my dad passes, whenever in the future that happens, though if I am being honest, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he outlives me. But how can I know that? How can I be so sure that nothing is going to change? It goes back to my greatest strength and my greatest weakness: my knowledge of myself. I know how I will think about any possible subject, I know how I react to different things, and I know my emotions. Speaking of those, they are mostly suppressed at this point. There isn't anything that has made me happy in awhile, but I have gotten really good at putting on the fake happy face for everybody and it seems to be fooling them pretty well. At most, I can feel mildly amused by something, but it never lasts more than a few seconds. But it isn't just the positive emotions that are gone. Most of the negative ones are too. I don't feel worried or afraid or angry most of the time either. At most, I feel annoyance with certain people and situations. For instance, I work at a cafe that is in a YMCA. Plenty of good looking women in workout clothes. I do notice these things still. The problem is it stops there. While I feel a mild jolt of excitement, it dies almost as quickly as it pops up. Now I won't say that under perfect circumstances that I can't get aroused. I am plenty capable of that, which is getting to be kind of a pain in the ass since I have to deal with it myself or try to hide it all day. But I have no confidence. Frankly, I have come to the point that I feel that women in general are out of my league. So I really make very little effort. I should bathe more often (I do plenty, just not every day), I should care a little about how my hair looks. I should dress better. I should take better care of my teeth, especially since I just had a filling. But I never seem to find the energy to deal with it because I just don't see it making a lick of difference. I have gotten to that point where I have accepted that I will just be alone the rest of my life. And the odd thing is that I no longer feel sad about it. Almost all emotional reaction I have anymore comes from listening to songs, reading a book, watching tv or a movie, or playing a game. Very little else stirs me. Hopefully, I haven't made it out to seem like I blame anyone for me being this way or that I believe anyone else is responsible for my happiness. I know that these things are my job. This is just how I was built, and I think if it hadn't been for the years since high school, I would have been this way all along. It is just who I am. Sure, there is alot more to me than all that, but for now, it is gone. It has no use in my day to day life. So, in all, I have just come full circle, back to the point before I ever had a date, a kiss, love, anything. I am right back to where I started from. And I guess I always knew I would be. I always lived my life inside a little shell, and while this is not quite the same one as I have gotten more used to interactions with people everyday, it is on the same level. I came out of that shell, but it never went away and now it is home. It really is the only part of my life that feels like home. After all, the saying goes that home is where the heart is, and mine has retreated right back into that shell. The difference this time being that my old tricks of meeting girls online and talking them up without ever meeting them or not meeting them for a long time, will not work anymore. I am not the kind of guy women want. I have serious confidence issues that aren't going away, I don't have a college degree so there is little chance that I will be doing anything in my life other than scraping by, and I am not a handsome guy, at least not to the point that women would seek me out instead of the other way around. That puts all the onus on me to make it happen. And I just don't have the will to push myself for more than a moment. Honestly, I think I am done with therapy at this point too. All I ever get from going to any type of medical practice is a headache when the ex brings up the bill and whatever insurance doesn't cover. I mean, every time this happens. It isn't worth it. I am well past the point where I would consider suicide and I don't see me going back, even after my current run of meds runs out. So why bother? There is nothing I can learn from a doctor that I won't find out in the course of things. If I get cancer, I get cancer. If I get diabetes, I get diabetes. Somehow, I am not worried about any of those things. I really think I will live a good long time, not because I want to, but because that is just how it is meant to be. And things will continue on the way they are now until the day it finally all ends, all because of a lack of the most basic human need: hope.