Wednesday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So we got up and did breakfast at McDonald’s and then went to my parents. We then went downtown for a little bit and then followed my niece home because it was her first day riding her bike and she was a bit nervous. While we were downtown, his brother called and wants us to come visit next weekend. I’m thinking about it because I’d love to have a road trip and actually have fun this time. We’d be staying in a motel and he’s pretty sane so I think everything would go just fine.

But yeah, my friend called this morning and I told her that I just felt it was best to block him before I pop off and then I’m accused of having anger issues. I’m just upset that the more decent I am, nothing ever changes. He still won’t do shit to help with his own child. I’ve been Mom and Dad for 6 years now while he gets to just be out living life. I just think it’s better for me to just let it be for now so I can give myself the chance to calm down before I pop off.

We’ve had a pretty good day though. I just hope we’ll be able to keep finding stuff to do and not sitting around super bored all the damn time. I really pray to God that this will be the last Summer with no childcare because I want to get my back problems figured out and start actively searching for employment. BD is obviously never going to help and no matter how much I want him to be a Dad, it’s just not going to happen. It’s sad when he can’t even take initiative to call her and I have to ask! It’s just been too many years of him doing his own thing that you can’t educate someone on being a parent. Either they want to be one or they don’t.

I still haven’t heard anything from CS or jury duty. I’m really tired of worrying about both of those things. I hate waiting. I’m the most impatient person ever and every day that goes by is just making me more anxious. I also stress about him working under the table and I still may not see a fucking dime. It’s going to be a lot of heartache if I don’t start getting some type of help from him. It’s like my brother telling me that I’m going to have to just wait and see. Okay well I’ve done that for 6 years! Wait and see if he’s going to be a Dad and wait and see if he’s ever going to fucking pay!

This is just a bullshit predicament to be in and I’m seriously about over it. I’m just hoping I don’t hit rock bottom and struggle to get out of bed at some point. I just want to know what I’ve done so wrong to deserve to worry like I do. It’s just not fair. I know everyone has their worries but sometimes I end up sick to my stomach and lose sleep because all I do is stress about everything.

I just hope that all of this catches up to him and he actually has to take accountability at some point in his fucking miserable, pathetic life. I envy all my friends that have joint custody and they are able to work and have a social life. Sometimes I don’t even think I’m living, just merely surviving day to day.