I Would Have Been a TERRIBLE in Journal

mother in my 20’s. I didn’t want kids. I hated them. I was terrified of accidental pregnancy. I had nightmares about it. I wasn’t engaged in behavior that would result in accidental pregnancy, it was just a fear that I was preoccupied with. I was impatient, hateful, narcissistic, prone to escalation, thoughtless.
I don’t think any of that was ME, however. These were the attitudes, thoughts and beliefs of my parents. It took me over a decade to rid myself of them. To be able to see and dredge up and create my own Self enough to decide what attitudes, thoughts and beliefs would be MINE. Perhaps as a little expansion from my last parenting post, my parents stole not only my childhood but a decade of my young adulthood as well.
I don’t think I’ve ever shared this before, but I used to suffer from suicidal ideation. And other self destructive mental pathologies. I suffered from it, but it was not me who wanted me to die. It wasn’t me who wanted me to suffer. I was convinced that it was me at the time. Mostly because, to point out your hostage taker to the snipers was to be put into the very low percentile survivability stats.
I don’t own my inability to be a good mother in my 20’s. I was never responsible for the attitudes, thoughts and beliefs that were imposed upon me, nor the impossible hurdles I faced in dismantling them. Just as the assailant is responsible for the broken leg of his victim, he is also responsible for the time and energy it requires to heal that broken leg, and any hurdles he then places between the victim and recovery. This is how I know that my parents weren’t just idiots; they were evil. How I know most parents are evil. Most people are evil. To break children, prevent them from healing, and use force, coercion, threats and violence to signal to any good person and would be rescuer that they are not welcome, is evil.
We humans are not hard crystal personalities resistant to force, rot, or any other environmental factor. We are like water; our formation and even identity is shaped and molded and created by our experiences, the people around us. If there is any such thing as a human nature, it is that humans are adapted and adaptable to their particular environment.
I did not will myself to be human, and I did not choose to have this human nature. My parents chose everything about how I was raised, and so they bear the burden of responsibility. I won’t take it. To take it would be to lift that burden from them, and also from myself as a parent. No, I will not do that. I will retain the fiery mote of anger that protects my children from my worst self. And even the self that is not ideal for their best interest.