The coroner called .. in 2023

The pathology & final autopsy report are finished, and just confirmed the preliminary findings he told me at the time of your autopsy.

Massive heart attack.
95% occlusion.
Widow maker.
Previous infarction scarring …

… Babes, you had a heart attack last summer .. it wasn’t fucking anxiety it was a fucking heart attack and you should have let your Dad call 911, work could have waited.

And when I did finally drag you to the doctor, why didn’t you tell him your mother’s side of the family has a massive history of fucking heart disease?!?!

He asked you, Babes, he asked you about your family history and you just told him about your Dad’s BP meds, nothing else!! Why did I only find out about your Mom’s side of the family history a week ago while talking to your Dad?!!?

Babes. The doctor would have jumped all over heart tests etc after those symptoms and a family history .. but without the history, there was zero reason to think, at your age, that you’d had a fucking heart attack and 8 months later another one would kill you. What the fuck.

I’m trying so hard not to be mad at you. What’s the point at being mad at you now?

The coroner reconfirmed that it was instant. You probably didn’t even wake up it was so fast. So .. there really wasn’t anything I could have done. There’s no comfort in that but it eases my guilt.

I’ve requested a copy of the final report. Idk why. I just need it. I need to read it. Will there be closure there? I don’t know.

I love you so much. I always will. There will never be a time that any of this will make sense or be okay or not hurt .. I will be never be “fine” again.

My life is irrevocably split in two … who I was with you and who I am without you … before & after … then & now …

I miss you, my love. Like the sun misses the morning stars …