I need to work again already in Days of My Destiny

You know what I need? A few hundred dollars, to spend on some items that are meaningful to me and that would prove extremely useful.

The first of these is a set of heavier dumbbells, or a heavier kettlebell.

The second would be a textbook or two on working with special needs students. I came across one of these books online months ago and can't find it now.

Honestly that's probably about it. I'm not a big shopper. But anyway I need money.

There's a lady, Neghar Fonooni, who has been inspiring me to look after myself physically and mentally (though I need more help with the physical part lol) and she has this thing for sale - it's a workout program, but it comes jam packed with so much goodness! It's all mind, body and spirit nourishing. I want it. She has a special on at the moment, which means I could get it for about $53 Australian. I want it, but I know L will be sceptical. Because he tends to be this way about most things I want.

Better get a job pronto so I don't have to worry about that.

He bought himself some work pants and a small axe online. These things arrived yesterday. Naturally, he was excited. I couldn't join him in his excitement like I normally would. I couldn't help but think, "It would be nice if every once in a while something came in the mail for me." Obviously I didn't marry him so he could buy me things.... but surely I deserve a little enjoyment sometimes too.

We were at a town an hour away the other weekend and I spotted a guy with his own stand, selling Middle East style clothing. There was a pair of really baggy pants that actually looked like a beautiful flowy skirt. I wanted it. It cost $50. I really really wanted them. L came over and started asking all these questions filled with doubt. He wasn't sure if they'd fit me. They looked a bit big. What if they didn't fit? There was nowhere for me to try on these pants. I told him that usually for pants to fit me, the waistband has to sit here and here on either side of my waist or hips. He said, "Yeah..................... they look like they sit a bit wider.... like they're too big...." In my mind I'm thinking, why don't you just say you don't to fucking buy them. I didn't make a purchase. Instead I told the guy that I would certainly be Liking his facebook page and visiting his store in Toowoomba someday as I pass through there from time to time. Once in the car, L saw me add them. I know that I probably won't buy anything from these people until I have my own income.

And you know...... if I said this to him, he would find it hurtful. But it's just TRUTH. He really is like this with most of the things I want to buy. And I get over it. So in the end, I never buy myself anything - because, like it or not, it's his money, not mine.

This next bit will sound whiney, and it is. You know, it's not like I've moved down here to spend his money and get my hair done all the time and my nails and get massages and new clothes and shoes and everything. I'm not like that. It's not like I'm here, week in and week out, wanting to buy one thing after another. I'm here, raising our babies to the best of my ability and meeting their needs and making purchases that are just that: needs. That's about it. I'm raising kids. That's what I'm doing. Surely a few things here and there wouldn't hurt.

But you know, when I compare (not that it should be about comparing) the things he buys with the things I want to buy, the things he buys are all things that benefit the whole family. The work pants, well, they will stop the wind chill from reaching his bones underground. The axe, he specifically bought for when we all go camping and chopping wood will be easier. Everything he's ever bought is always somehow beneficial for the whole family. And what do I want? Things that only I will directly benefit from. But guess what, those few things will add a splash of happiness (not that I'm completely unhappy or relying on THINGS to make me happy, because I don't believe in that). And when mum's happy, guess what - the rest of the damn family is too. It's not rocket science.

But - I'm sick of this debate. I'm sick of this topic arising, time after time. We will never agree. Besides, I'm so close to actually finishing my course (uploaded my last assessment 10 minutes ago, yay!), that I might as well just sit it out for a few more weeks or months until I actually have my own job and then I will need to seek spending approval for this or that - from nobody else but me.

And do you know what all of this confirms? That there really is a sense of loss in not having a job. There really is no dignity in having to depend on someone for money, even if it is your own husband.

And I didn't really mean for this entry to turn bitter, but there you go.