Doing just fine. in Since OD is shutting down....

Keep the comments coming you guys! I definitely appreciate all the love I receive on here. I really enjoy reading your inspiration and I can say that I’ve really learned a lot from other people’s stories. I am so sorry for what everyone has gone through with their deadbeat baby Daddies. Being the Mom isn’t a fun part to play because we have to make sure that are kids are okay no matter what bullshit the other parent brings to the table.

I’ve spent the majority of the past hour thinking about what I’m going to tell her when she realizes he’s done stepped off the face of the Earth, again. Before she was too little to really notice or care but now, I’m going to have to tell her that Daddy will make effort when he’s able and we can’t call him because he’s busy. I always say very transparent with her and be careful not to give her too much information for many reasons. I love her so much and I would give anything for her to have a Dad that was consistent and cared for her the way she deserves but since I can’t, the best thing I can give her is to experience this for herself so he can’t say that I keep her from him.

I realize now that by protecting a child from a parent like this, you are also not letting them see the truth. You can tell them but they’re always going to have doubt. I would rather my daughter experience this for herself and be able to form her own opinion based on the truth. She’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t really care about him and that she definitely loves me more though. I just want to make sure that I’m not standing in the way of him spending time with her if he chooses too. He’s always accused me of keeping her from him and using her as a toy but he also thinks it’s okay to be the in and out guy because he doesn’t see her as an actual person with feelings but just an object.

I can truly say that I’m in a really good place with all of this. I like where I’m at and it’s nice to be on this end where I can watch him sink himself with his child and someday she’s going to decide for herself what kind of person he is. She’s coming up on 6 in the matter of a month and who knows if we’ll even hear from him between now and then. I’m sure he won’t be working so he won’t have a gift for her and I don’t plan to include him in her birthday plans.

As much as I think him making up the elaborate lie about that job, I wonder if it might have something to do with that girl because she’s always drove them to the pool and maybe her schedule is changing or something so she won’t be able to and he’s always had this thing where if he has our child that he wants an audience because he needs someone to see him being Dad of the year. Even yesterday when he had her, he was pissed because I forgot to pack the swim suit he bought her. He’s so used to doing nothing for her that if he does even the smallest thing like buy her a $10 swim suit, he wants to make sure to get acknowledgment for it.

I wonder if he realizes that even though he’s bought her a swim suit and a dress, she requires a lot more than that. I know I don’t get to just spend money when I feel like it. There’s just so many disconnects in this that I don’t have enough time to explain them all. It’s also bullshit where he’s made 2 CS payments in the past 2 years and then wants me to stop it all together?! So it’s okay for me to take care of her physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally all on my own and make it to where there’s zero accountability for YOU!?

It’s also funny because he’s supposed to have health insurance for her and obviously he doesn’t so if I stopped CS, she would lose her coverage. I almost wanted to ask him if he’d like to be billed for her medical stuff. If you can’t afford CS, how would you afford her medical bills? I know I’m not going to watch my credit score plummet so he can be further off the hook! I just don’t think he quite understands that I can’t just stop it because there would be seriously consequences for not only me, but for my child as well.

I’m sitting here with no village and no way to afford childcare so that’s got a lot to do with why I don’t have a job and he has the audacity to even mention me stopping CS. I guess him not paying it for the last 2 years wasn’t enough of a free pass. I don’t think I have ever seen a more self centered person in my entire life. I just really hope life hits him hard where he’s going to HAVE to hold down a job and I can plan to start seeing payments consistently. I’m still pissed that he’s been enabled for so long because if he didn’t have his sister to mooch from, he’d have no fucking choice but to keep a fucking job!!

With the Summer, I just have to roll over and accept it. I also take into account that it’s him choosing to not see her because he’s selfish but that’s on him. I know I’m going to get stressed out and overstimulated but I’m always happier when she’s home with me because that’s the only time I truly feel complete. I would rather her be here with me then instead of being with him because he just doesn’t have the patience. I remember the other day when she was talking to him and he was saying how there’s kids smaller than her that aren’t as afraid of the water and blah blah blah and I just found it to be mean.

But yeah, it’s whatever. Anyways, I got all my stuff mailed that needed to go out and hopefully I’ll get some good news pretty soon. I’m annoyed that Monday is a holiday because that slows down the mail but at least it’s only one day.