Mexican Jail in Tales Of The Peruvian Mountains

Greetings, fellow ODers! I've been slackin', lately, with the updates, because I've been locked-up in a Mexican jail for chinchilla trafficking. AGAIN. Turns out the Federales were onto my attempt at hiding them in clay Virgin Marys. The scratching noises from within gave them away and there I was, with a VANLOAD of these motherfuckers, making the crossing from Guatemala. I tried to bribe the local magistrate with a free 6-month subscription to Open Diary, but he just laughed at me in Spanish and the next thing I knew, I was somebody's date to the annual Sadie Hawkins Day Ball for a pack of Marlboros and a grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway, I've just been released and hope to be on the next flight to Lima by morning. Until then, I'm catching up on all my emails, including customer service-related pieces from 2006 onward, while soaking my anus in a bath of epsom salts because- You know.

Shrimp tamales: my new favorite thing in the world. I'm calling room service for another plate.