Modification Thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

So she hung out with him and his ‘girlfriend’ last night and then he got huffy when I said she needed to get home for medicine, bath and bedtime. It must be nice to be the fun parent where you don’t have to worry about routine. I don’t want her tired because that can contribute to her acting out in school! Just because he’s lived his life not having to go to bed at a certain time doesn’t make that true for everyone!

I’ve been thinking a lot about the modification and it would probably be best to just wait and see how things go first and then maybe wait until he makes me mad. I also think about how he would use that as an excuse to bail out of her. I know I wouldn’t be able to talk to him about it first because he would hit the roof and completely lose his shit. I just know that it would be the right thing to do but I don’t think it would be the fair thing to do.

I also think about the fact that it would have drastically helped my situation over the last 2 years had he been paying it though because I would have been able to pay someone to watch her so that I could work, even if it was a side hustle. I’m also thinking about how I would like to plan to go out, even if it’s literally once a month. I mentioned something about it the other day where he just blew me off and talked over me.

Why does everyone not EVER consider the fact that I am human and deserve a night out? It’s like not even a thought that crosses anyone’s fucking mind. I haven’t gotten to go do anything in the evening on a weekend kid free in a year now and it’s starting to get to me. I should be able to have some freedoms too. Every weekend all I do is entertain my kid or have my niece over so my kid has someone to play with but when is it my turn to go out and socialize? I should matter too. He said something about getting a motel room but that’s never going to happen because he wants to make sure he always gets to go do something and never consider that I don’t.

My daughter and I have always been cheated due to other people’s selfishness and it’s gone on longer than it should have. We’ve just lived in this fucking box of just doing whatever they want or else we miss out completely! Everyone acts like there’s something wrong with me wanting to go do something for myself ONCE in a blue moon. Almost like I’m breaking the law or something. Like there’s nothing important enough for me to need a babysitter. Everyone deserves a fucking break and I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I don’t deserve it.

I’m just so burnt out on my situation and it’s like no matter how much I bite my tongue hoping people are going to become compassionate, they don’t. Even if I finally lose my shit, people can’t seem to understand where I’m coming from at all. He’s never had to give up a night out to be a parent and I think it’s about time he either does that or I am gonna go for more money so that I can pay someone so I can have some freedom too. It’s about fucking time that things change and they aren’t going to until I take the bull by the fucking horns and request more money. I’m sure once I do that, he’ll want her more because it’ll the lower the CS.

So yeah, I’m planning to go full steam ahead with the modification. I sit back and think about how all this has been for my daughter and myself and I’m just pissed all over again. So many times I’ve struggled to put gas in my car just to take her to the park and he’s posted on that filthy website offering to buy women drinks at the bar. Just no care in the fucking world. Even if the modification goes through, there’s no guarantee I’ll see a fucking dime anyway nor will he have any consequences. He’s had that same warrant for not paying for almost 2 years now.

There’s been absolutely nothing fair about this situation for us and I’m going to start doing something about it. I don’t give a flying fuck if he gets pissed or not. He’s never had a true regard for how his actions have affected us and he proved that the other night by telling me to cancel CS all together. I’m not going to make our lives harder just so he can be even further off the fucking hook!

It’s like my friend said earlier on the phone, I don’t have a village here and I need to get whatever money I’m entitled too. He’s always said that I’m just a money hungry bitch so why not prove it. I’ll never be able to wrap my head around how someone could be this selfish and not care about his child or if her needs are being met but tell everyone how much he loves and cares about her. It’s fucking sickening.