Born in Hell in Every day scata

4/28/23
1:58 pm

Why is it that I open the tab, I can’t think of what to write? Or maybe I can’t gather all the noise in my head into some kind of cohesive list of shit that’s happened since whenever I last wrote.

I think I’m going to make a pot of coffee, and clean my mess up in the kitchen. Maybe if I get rid of the crap that’s piled up over the past week, I’ll feel less cluttered in my mind.

4/29/23
7:45 pm

So when hit “save as draft” yesterday, I got sad panda. I checked to see if it did actually save, but it wasn’t on my end. “Of COURSE it’s glitching. I mean, I wanted to write!” I said. Feh.

Did that test entry, got sad panda again. Grrr

One of my friends saw my “test” entry, and saw me complain about getting sad panda-ed, and told me it was there, and that it’s been a glitchy few days here.

But at that point I didn’t want to write lol

Today, I thought I had a fairly organized stack of papers labeled “Stuff” on the desk in my brain.

Then shit shifted in the universe, toppling the stack of papers, I started feeling really “off” in a extremely weird way. I still cannot pin it down. Anxious, yes. Pissy enough for small things to make me grr.

I feel like I’m forgetting to do something, or something was supposed to happen but didn’t, and that fucked up the universe. Or, something went “missing” and the universe is screaming.

Does any of that make sense to you?

Maybe my brain just short circuited due to stress. I didn’t have a day off for two weeks (although Pam said DJ’ing last Sunday didn’t count, it sure the fuck did!) . Then I didn’t sleep at all from Monday to Thursday. Not even 10 minutes. Yes, I was feeling the psychosis creeping in Thursday, and I flared bad. Put a bullet in my head flare. The kind of flare when a pain scale goes up to 25 instead of 10.

It took me the entire day to get the Airbnb done. When I did finish, I was a wee bit afraid to drive. I could have gone to Kate and Adrian’s to rest, seeing that I’m taking care of the cats, but I wanted my own bed.

When it got to be 10 pm and I somehow felt fucking worse and couldn’t stay still from the pain, I cancelled my Friday morning client. Even if I managed to sleep, there is no way I could have done Doc’s house and LT’s house. Not a fucking chance. Both of them require massive amounts of work.

I hate cancelling on people. It makes me feel like shit. The File Clerk in my brain drags the record player out and screetches the needle across the album before getting right. Then the sounds fill my head “You’re lazy” *they’re going to fire you” “Pam is pissed” “You’refatanduglyandeveryonehatesyourlazyass” “Because you missed LT’s house you are not allowed to get any food because of that stupid deal you made with Pam” andonandonandon.

But all of that isn’t the reason I feel so weird. I mean, yah. Not sleeping for.. hmm maybe 80 hours has fucked my brain, body, and soul up, but I’ve had insomnia all my life. I ‘ve ran this marathon before. And yes, I know. I’m old, so insomnia will really make me feel totally freaked out now.

But that’s not it. I would know if it was.

Plus, I think I got at least 3.5 hours last night.

I put myself in the time-out chair for most of the day today. Just staying down here with my music on, so I’m not “triggered” by anything (do you know how much I hate that word now? A lot. I hate it a lot. Thanks, Karen.), but the music is making me weird out, too. I DO know the reason for it. It’s the year they came out. 1999 ” Duh, Diane! Stop listening to it then!” But I can’t… I just can’t. I still love all the songs I have on it, even if the memories connected to them are pretty horrible.

It is now 8: 54 pm. I better go.

See ya.