New Moo in Current Events

I think I weighed 1000 lbs yesterday. I could not move. My depression was so heavy. I surrendered to it. It’s a symptom that needs to be supported. Suppressing symptoms creates systemic problems. I should have seen it coming. I just had my reality shattered and my mind needs to grieve the old belief structures. It’s not that deep. I just needed a deep rest.

I found myself wishing that I had a partner. Somebody who could handle me when I cannot. I used to always have a strong woman in my life. A friend I did everything with. Brittany stands out because she knew me better than I knew myself most days. If there was a manual for me she would have written it. She always knew what I needed, what to say, what to do. I was not some big enigma to her I was very simple. Just feed him!

I feel a lot better today. I’m ready to move with purpose. My anxiety is still high but I keep reminding myself that worry and excitement are the same physical experience, it’s all about the context. I can be excited about life or I can be worried. Whatever the content is, I am response-able. I can make it work. I need to be excited about life. I am creating change. Making room for bigger opportunities. I have to treat my mind as though it is a little child and tell him that it will be okay. The ego does not like change. It keeps telling me that everything will be okay if I just don’t do it. Keep everything the same. This internal battle wears me down. Some days I wish I was mindless again and not mindful. That I was somebody who just lets life happen to them. Life is coming from us.

When you feel thirst, your body needs water. When you need food, your body feels hungry. When you need growth… you feel stuck. The nature of human desire is expansion. I learned this lesson years ago. Expansion is an inside job. The revolution we need can only be one that is internalized. I’m ready to expand outward now. It’s scary. I’m not good with change. I need a lot of structure but I gotta learn to let go and let god.

I had another blast from the past. Somebody from that old Facebook group I was in found me and messaged me asking me where I’d been and how I’m doing. He’s a young veteran that lives in the US. There were others that I had connections with. One of them, we had just started talking when my account got suspended. I wonder about her all of the time. She took her daughter and left Texas to live out of her RV. Her daughter is special. She kept vaccines away from her and feeds her whole foods and teaches her various spiritual practices. Her daughter can remember her past life and they both experience premonitions.

Speaking of clairvoyance, my buddy Mel messaged me. A dear friend of his took her life yesterday morning. He said that she was his birthday twin. He explained that his Scorpio psyche knew it was going to happen. That it happened before he was informed. I had that experience with my friend Ryan. He explained that she was on our side with the lockdowns. She fought every step of the way. I was thinking about my own PTSD with that. Also about how hard it is to know the truths from the rabbit hole. To integrate such dark things into one’s consciousness. It’s not for everyone. You die a hundred times inside. I guess I have a friend in Mel since he is telling me this. I can’t believe I made a friend in my 30s.

Speaking of rabbit hole stuff, I found a weird area. Melanin is used in some electronics. Our bodies are electrical machines, and highly melanated people are the most connected to source. Those with all the recessive genes, need to heal. That’s the weird space I found. It’s all conjecture, of course. It’s not something I will look into. I have been exploring urine therapy. It’s not a practice I will do but it keeps getting brought up so I decided to at least learn about it.

The tension between my roommate and I is causing a lot of my anxiety. That became obvious to me when she came home last night and my heart dropped. Mind you, she started drinking again. I have some PTSD about that, I suspect. She was a raging alcoholic when we moved in, little did I know. We talked about it and she stopped. Her trigger was the Bob saga and now that he is back in her life, so is the booze. I will be meeting him, officially, tomorrow. She is having a birthday dinner and I will meet all of the people she talks about. I’m a little nervous but excited about it.

Tomorrow the girls and I are going to a place called the Leaf. It’s just a fancy building with fancy plants. Then I’m going to that dinner.

I tried to read another chapter of my book but got distracted. The Light of Egypt. I struggle to focus and it doesn’t help that I am addicted to my phone. I found an audio of the book for free so I will just try that. I already did try it yesterday but passed out. I was tired. I have to increase the speed on those things. I hate slow talking.

Anyway, it’s the new moon. The new moon is in Taurus. Jupiter is in Taurus, Mercury is direct and in Taurus, the north node is in Taurus. It’s a good day to have prominent Taurus placements. All fixed signs are affected. I’m a Taurus rising. It’s the best day to plant seeds for change. I do not intend to waste this day. I have to start the day with the depressing task of going over my budget and finances. I at least have some money coming in, unlike how it was before I got this job. The lockdowns took everything prior to that. I don’t even know how I got through it. I can get through this hump though. I just have to stop being a little bitch and man up. On that note. I must get on with it and be a skinny legend. Go to do hot girl stuff.

Last updated May 19, 2023