Endless in 2023

I went for a walk in the rain this morning. We should have walked more, Babes. Would that have made your heart stronger? Or would it have made it worse?

So many questions. I don’t even know if when I get the autopsy report it’ll answer any questions. A heart attack is a heart attack it’s just … fuck, I see it all now, you know?

The “panic attacks” that were angina. The medication you took for the “panic attacks” that was bad for heart conditions. Heart conditions we didn’t you know had.

Forcing you to eat properly only gave us a little more time .. making healthier choices for you these last few years gave us these last few years. You would have died alone in this fucking empty apartment. The idea makes me nauseous.

You used to say that you rushed home from work now because you had a home to come home to. That made me feel so amazing - to be the reason you felt that way. To fill up the apartment with plants, and animals, and laughter, (and furniture lol) and that artwork I put above the TV years ago when I first visited that says, “Love makes a house a home” was never more true.

I was chatting with upstairs neighbour outside the other day and she smiled saying it was so nice for Chris when I came along, and that the whole building knew I was here instantly because suddenly there were curtains in the windows and plants on the windowsills, and you couldn’t see directly inside the living room from the parking lot anymore.

Such a bachelor, Babes. With your loveseat, coffee table, TV, and bed. Those were the days, weren’t they? When I first came along physically and turned your life upside down and you loved every moment of it.

I had so much more to show you. You had so much more to show me. I feel so lost. Endlessly waiting for you to come back. Just … waiting.

I think I might have to resort to washing the walls to stay busy while I wait. I’ve cleaned every inch of this place, sometimes more than once. I’m running out of things to do, and if I don’t do something I’ll start thinking and crying again.

I’m not ready to get out of the house for anything more than a short walk. Even those short walks take hours and hours to work up the energy and courage for.

I’m supposed to feel better after getting outside and walking … I don’t.

Oh my love, my love. I miss you. I miss you so much.