brain dump in Each Day

As much as I have been seeking, I have been avoiding. The fact that I don’t write with any regularity tells me this is true. I have no excuse - I need no excuse - I’ve just been over here doing life. Sometimes struggling, sometimes not. But every time I think about writing it’s the wrong time; I’m at work, M and I are about to watch a movie, or I’m driving… So here’s some thoughts I’m having.

Psychologist
On the 29th of May I met my new therapist. She seems to specialize in mood disorders, but may know more about neurodivergence than my previous people. She got me to do two different assessments, and we talked for ages about my background.
When I saw my psychiatrist a few days later, she said that the psychologist also assessed me for - “probably sub-clinical” - Borderline Personality Disorder. I told her that I am not going to shut down any discussion, but if they want to talk about me having BPD, then I require them to talk to me about autism. IN WOMEN. WITH STUDIES. Because I’m fucking sick of all of us magnificent neurodivergent women being told our personalities or our moods are wrong, only to find out at a later age that our brains literally work differently than expected. So… yeah…
I’m pretty sure I also apologized to the Psychologist because she’s the 9th medical professional I have seen while on this journey to get better and I’m done pussyfooting around. No more god damn talk therapy, give me something real.
The psychiatrist says the “something real” is going to be “schema therapy”. So hopefully that does something positive.

Meds
My first week on Guanfacine was underwhelming. Then I upped the dose, and I started to get this feeling of calm, flatness, and almost like my brain makes sense.
And then I got my period and the whole thing imploded. I don’t recall specifics now because I didn’t write this shit down. But there was a lot of emotional dysregulation. Like, a disproportionate amount, and this is coming from someone who is regularly emotionally dysregulated. Hah.
When I spoke to my psychiatrist about it, she did some vague searching of information regarding menstruation and guanfacine, and came up with nothing. Because of course no one has studied this particular medication and menstruation. Whatever. But even with the no information, she barrelled ahead in increasing my dose again, though we found out a cheaper way to buy the meds I need, so I’m only paying $111 instead of the $250 I was expecting.
I’ve been on the new dose since Tuesday and I have not noticed a difference, except for shocking levels of fatigue, dry mouth - and sinuses! - that won’t quit. Not just general fatigue, but also muscle fatigue. My jaw gets tired eating a meal, my legs felt strained just walking around on a bunch of rocks (yes, very specific, because it happened). I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do a fitness test when this medication is robbing me of my ability to exist.
I haven’t gotten back to a spot where I feel clear or good… but I did notice myself smiling for no reason last week, so there’s that.

M
He’s getting so much better. His primary issues are nerve sensations and light sensitivity. Friday he mowed the lawn (and kind of regretted it) and Sunday we went out to a very open space for some mountain biking, and what turned into walking for me. I was way too intimidated by the trail surface (literally rough granite rock) to try to ride confidently. These days the light sensitivity is more like, a meter. He can handle so much light, and then he’s done. It also depends on the kind of light, fluorescents being the worst.
We’re back to having some spectacular sex, I am eternally grateful haha.

Impulsivity
Things that feel impulsive but actually were not:
buying a new laptop - which I had been looking into for about a year (and am now typing this on!!)
putting a deposit on a new roof - which we have been discussing for years, and actively working toward since last fall
buying an EV - I’m still on the waiting list, but my brain is constantly telling me now is not the time… and I just keep on waiting on the list because I figure I will know better when the call to have my vehicle made comes true

I had to take a break. And by take a break I mean I went to bed. I was so wiped out Sunday that I fell asleep watching racing, and was nodding off while I was trying to write.

It’s now Monday night. I am on nights and am duty person again this week.
Tomorrow morning I’m going for brunch with a new plant friend, I haven’t come up with a name for her yet because we’re still new friends. We’ve talked a fair bit about our sex lives, which has been fun. She and her husband are new into polyamoury, so we’ve been talking about that and kink. She’s undiagnosed but thinks she’s neurodivergent, and she’s from Edmonton, so we have being “Come From Away”s in common too. She’s been joining Red’s and my craft night, which is now sanctioned by Ikea, so that feels pretty cool.

I could sit on this entry for another day, in order to be more thorough with my thoughts. Instead, I’ll end this here and write again when the mood strikes, I hope.