Episode and exploitation in Second 1st

It was a shitty night. I woke twice on the cusp of vomiting. A storm came through and I felt the swerve and spins. The first time I woke I had just had a nice text session with Jake. Pictures of future aftercare dancing in my head it was a short nap when I woke because I was choking on my own tongue.... I’d forgotten my mouth thingy....I’d only been asleep for about 30 mins so I texted Jake again and he reminded me of where my thoughts had been. Cuddles and kisses. I need them so bad. Sure would be nice if someone would actually come lay with me every once in awhile....

The second time was 9:41 It had already been storming a bit and I’d had some dream in which I was in spinning tunnel but nothing else about it....

3rd was 11:45 and I don’t remember anything at all about how that happened. I decided to sit in the chair in the livingroom.

I grabbed my phone, put on some cloths, let the dog out, and noticed a missed call from Jake. I went into the laundry room and called him. It would be nearly 1am but he’d called only an hour earlier so he was probably still awake. He knew I was asleep so it must be important. Turns out it was an accidental call. I was still worried as he was awake at 1am but he assured me everything was fine and I told him he needed to sleep and I lay the phone on my chest and cat napped.

The dog decided it was play time and I eventually got tired of fighting with the sounds so I went back tot he bedroom and went back to sleep.

3:15 I woke, looked at the clock and decided I was not working today. It was a rough night and last I’d seen it was supposed to rain all day today.... honestly thought it would be far too much to deal with today and went back to sleep.

I dreamed.... There was kind of a mobile home I’d rented.... It was a complete house, 2 stories, but mobile. I threw a party, but the party itself wasn’t part of the dream. I was cleaning up when my mother was getting angry at me because we were behind schedule and I needed to clean faster and with more detail. The cleaning fee for returning it in bad shape was outrageous. Somehow by the end of the dream I owed my brother $125 and $1000 on the rental. We had not returned the house by the time I’d woken.

I had made the subconscious decision to not clean the house this time (back to real life). I always deep clean before a trip so that I can come home to a nice clean and welcoming home. I have done this my whole life as it’s something my mother did. They would go away several times a year.... I would say at least once a month both my mom and my dad.... all us kids (3) would go till my brother turned 16. Then we would stay home and take care of ourselves sometimes for anywhere from 3 days to 7 days. .... 16, 14, 12.... I’m actually not sure that’s legal these days. Anyways.... The house was always cleaned when they left and we would mess it up the entire time they were gone and frantically clean it on they day they were expected home lol. Several times one of us were washing dishes as my parents came in. It was fine as long as the rest of the house looked nice and There were no arguments about it like who was drying and putting away the dishes err what have you.

I will give Rocky rope, he will hang himself with it. We had a conversation the other day about my anxiety and honestly how he’s not helping in anyway..... I’ve been working A TON on recognizing thoughts and behaviors that are contributing to the feelings of being trapped in my own life, ” just keep swimming” and “I’m doing this alone”. Anyways, I had told him that dishes and laundry.... well I wait to see if he does it and really only do it when I can no longer stand it. He has been told ” I need help” so many times I am soo very tired of saying it. “I’m not the only person who lives here” .... I don’t know how many ways you can say it “I’m not your mom Rocky.” I didn’t make him food for the weekend so he just had hot dogs.... no mac n cheese as planned just the dogs because he didn’t make the mac.... his fault not mine. His lunches not mine. His 20 mins to make something simple not mine. His consequence not mine. He knows why I clean the house before vacations.... and I’m not going to. I hope to come home to something better than I left it, we will see. I will use it in a conversation when next talking about how we are not great together and maybe not being here is best for me. Giving him a 2 week opportunity to .... DO SOMETHING.... ANYTHING literally anything. sigh

I’m sure I got this way about cleaning because of my mother. If we did not preform a task Right when she wanted us to she would get angry and just do it herself. There were consequences for that and of course the feeling that the house was going to explode the whole time she was doing the task.... if not straight out yelling about it. One of the most difficult tasks was washing dishes.... not because it’s hard but because after dinner you just want to chill. I absolutely do not do dishes after dinner in my house. Cook, eat, take care of leftovers, chill, bed.... that is the END of my day. It was expected of us that we would immediately do dishes as we got up from eating. If dishes weren’t started within 30 mins there was an uproar. I realize that was a big thing.... like… filled with guilt and shame. “You’ll take pride in your home one day and not be so slobby.”

Once, after being told to clean my room several times..... a room I shared with my sister mind you. Several times and not doing it. Easily distracted sometime between 8 and 14.... My parents took everything touching the floor (logically not furniture) and put it in a burn barrel and we were made to watch it. This included toys that did not belong there, and songs/poetry I had written even a few articles of clothing and almost my favorite stuffed animal that I had to plead for. .... So now.... I guess I feel like if I don’t clean I will lose things..... I more often lose things when I clean .... like “Where would I have put that, it was right here.” none of this is important to the now....

Today, we have our once a month free chiropractic appointment at 10… and at 1 I need to be at WalMart to get the 2 new tires I ordered put on. We also need to run by the auto parts store and pick up the spark plugs or coil packs or whatever for my car that we ordered..... maybe Rocky will swap them out this afternoon? The forecast is no longer showing rain for today but I’ve made my plans.... it’s a catchup day things need to get done.