I'm fine, everything's fine. in Since OD is shutting down....

But yeah, he messaged late last night asking if he could see her today before he goes to work. It’s still not confirmed if he’s working or not. I don’t know if I should call and ask or just wait and see if there’s a payment made by Friday. There’s been a wage withholding for almost 3 weeks so if there’s to be a payment, it should be soon. I honestly just can’t deal with the lies anymore. There’s absolutely zero accountability and that’s gotten pretty fucking old as well. Just like yesterday when he told her he wanted to take her swimming on his next day off and then asks an hour later if he could see her. Um, I thought you were at work?

I just don’t get how people walk around being like this. I also think it’s crazy that I had a child with someone as fucked up as he is. All I know is I won’t be giving in to his threats so I hope he isn’t seriously planning to see her tomorrow because if I gave into that shit once, I would be expected to give in to it every single time. I already don’t feel like I have a lot of say in this situation and that would just make me feel like I literally have no say at all. I don’t understand how you can go months at a time without asking about her or even getting a picture to making serious threats!!

I honestly think court would be for the best. I wish we would have gone that route from the start because it would eliminate a lot of problems right away. I think there’s a lot of issues but the main one is a power struggle with both of us. I also don’t get where he would think that I just need to show up somewhere at a certain day and time or I need to worry about legal action. I don’t think he understands that I will tell the judge about them calling her by the wrong name, his substance abuse, mental illness, her outside with no supervision and the fact that I at one time had a protection order against him.

He knows if we were to ever go to court, it’s not gonna go completely his way and that’s why he’s never tried. I also don’t think he understands you aren’t going to just have access to your kid every few months when you see fit because you need to look good for someone, that’s not how parenting works. He just wants to use my child. Another issue is him always expecting me to just sweep his behavior under the rug. I am still angry for the things he told her the last time he had her and the problems that stemmed from it for about 6 weeks after that I had to deal with by myself while he got to scamper around scot free.

He isn’t going to be around her again without another adult present. I just don’t think it’s fair that if he sees her then it means there’s going to be serious problems in my household and her acting out in school. He’s not a positive influence at all and I just don’t know why he thinks it’s okay to keep inflicting this shit upon an innocent child. It’s all he can do to keep my life difficult.

My daughter has been home for 6 days now and goes back to school tomorrow. She’s getting pretty bored. I’m personally glad she’s going back because I’m running out of stuff for her to do. I just love when they suspend kids because it’s more of a punishment for the parents!

So we went to my parents for a little while and then got some stuff at the store. I got some gas to get us through the week. She’s driving me absolutely bonkers and I’m absolutely thankful there’s school tomorrow. I can’t do anything without her bugging and my brain is on overload. My patience is definitely wearing thin. It’s a challenge keeping her occupied on weekends and now we’ve had 6 days of spending money and listening to how bored she is and nothing being good enough so I’m more than ready for her to be at school tomorrow!

He’s messaged asking to see her today and for her to call. I’m confused on when he works because he seems to have a pretty open schedule so I’m interested to see if there’s going to be some fucking CS in the next couple of days. I just don’t really know what to do because I’m not trying to keep her from him nor do I want it to come off that way but I also don’t want it to seem like I’m giving in to his demands either. I just don’t think he’s in a place to make any as he hasn’t cared to be a parent all along and has gone out of his way to avoid paying any money to help take care of her.

I think it’s also pretty great how I’m to have all of the responsibility on my shoulders such as dr appointments, eye appointments, dentist appointments, getting her ready and taking her to school, taking her to do fun things and paying for said things, making sure she has food, shelter etc etc, getting her to bed on time and dealing with school problems and he wants to come around ever so often just for the fun moments. Because he’s made that threat, I wonder who is actually going to be around my child should I actually take her tomorrow too. He’s only ever wanted her if there’s an audience, not just for pictures.

He’s been BEGGED to be a Dad for almost 6 years and has blatantly refused and then decides to threaten me with legal action if he doesn’t get his way. I really want to understand how that works for him. I never will because I’m not wired like that. There’s been multiple times over the years that I was sick or dealing with back problems where I had reached out asking for him to help with her and he refused. There was also times where my friend had asked him to come see her and he’d said no because he didn’t feel good or because I had hurt his feelings. He willingly gave up time with his child because his feelings were the most important thing and then wondered why I just gave up and cut him out of our lives.

He said yesterday that I had ruined his birthday and wouldn’t even let him see her. Well, we don’t just sit around hoping to hear from him. My daughter is almost 6 years old. He’s never made any attempt to be around consistently and we make our own plans and live our lives so it’s really selfish of him to expect me to get ahold of him and ask if he’d like to see her when it’s his day. He didn’t make any effort to see her on any of her birthdays whatsoever so why is his more important than hers?!

Another thing. After he told her the last time he was around her that I was taking all of his money, I meant what I said about him not seeing her without supervision. I know he’s hoping that I just forget about that or whatever but I’m not going to. That incident created serious problems for 6 fucking weeks and I’ll be DAMNED if it happens again. I can’t just keep sweeping his behavior under the fucking rug like he wants me to! This shit isn’t affecting his life at all and that’s why he’s never going to stop doing it! I’m angry that I went against my better judgment and let her go with him because he made it seem super innocent that he just wanted her to come over and watch a movie and then it became problematic for 6 weeks. There’s just no way I can allow that ever again.

It’s absolutely mind blowing how deadbeats exist and none of this is illegal. Even not paying CS isn’t illegal. It’s unlawful yes, but not illegal. He’s had a warrant since November of 2021 and nothing’s been done. He should be charged with neglect and abandonment as well. I also think it’s crap that I couldn’t get him to sign over his rights if it was a possibility. There’s really no moving forward if I wanted to but I’m going to do what I can to maintain our peace and make life as good as I can for us. I think it’s awesome how he’s refused to be a Dad all these years and turns around trying to gaslight me into believing that I’ve just kept him away. I remember what’s happened and I have all the screenshots. I know how many times he’s been invited to different things and he never showed. I know of all the weekends I’ve spent taking my kid to do things while he sat at the bar or sleeping around.

I remember how I felt years ago thinking I’d never reach the point I’m at now and I was lower than I had ever been. I truly felt so guilty and useless. There was times that I didn’t even know how I got through the day. My friend kept talking to him and sending me the screenshots where that shit just resonating in my head every minute of the day. Every mean thing he said and it tore me down more than I’d like to admit. I will never get over that. I’m in a good place now and I will stay there. I think sometimes you need pain because it helps you realize you are so much stronger than you realize and you will make it out just fine. I needed that hurt for a lot of different reasons. Maybe it was my karma.

One of the mistakes I’ve made in this is not having boundaries like I should have starting with keeping my distance. We’ve started out pretty good a few times but then it’s like if I don’t respond, or I don’t respond fast enough, he’ll start getting mean and then I’m triggered to engage in a really ugly conversation which leads me to block him so that’s why now I leave him on restricted until I’m ready to have contact but until then, he’s not going to be blowing up my phone and invading my time and space. I have to change the way I deal with him for sake of my sanity and my peace. He likes to act like we’re just old friends but I think we need to say what’s necessary and then go about the day. Too much interaction is NEVER a good thing and it just leads us down a really terrible path.

So my daughter has had her bath and I’ve trimmed her nails and painted them. I’m honestly glad we’re getting into bedtime now. I plan to hit up the grocery store tomorrow. We ran out of soda this morning and I need to get my coffee stuff.

But yeah, I’ve made plenty of my own mistakes in this for different reasons and I plan to move differently from here on out. I don’t even plan to block him anymore. I’m just going to have my boundaries and if he doesn’t like it, well that’s tough shit. I’m allowed to care about myself whether he’s her Dad or not. He doesn’t understand that I want to go through the courts because it would simply everything. It would also take away the control from both sides plus then he’d actually not only get the chance to parent but actually have to be one and not just on his terms like it’s been all along.

He’s always wanted to tie up my time and control what I have going on in order to see her so if we were to go through the courts, he would have her on certain days at certain times so therefore I would actually be able to do shit and he isn’t going that route because that would be him giving up control. He likes it better when it’s him looking like a ‘hero’ and being able to keep tabs on me. It’s pretty sick how these deadbeats operate but he doesn’t understand I’m not desperate enough for a break or for his child to see him that I’m gonna go along with this shit ever again.

Being absent hasn’t worked in his favor like he thinks it has. I’m used to being a single Mom and my daughter is used to not having a Dad. I also hopes that he realizes that talking to me like he has and calling me names doesn’t make him look as good as he thinks it does. It doesn’t make you look like a big fucking man like you think there homie. I remember last Summer when I called him to ask if he wanted to help with her and he called me every name in the book in front of that girl and she reprimanded him for it. It’s not helping him like he thinks which is actually pretty great for me. I know if I was a new chick coming into this and I would be really evaluating this because if the guy can talk to his child’s Mother like that, how do you think he’s going to end up talking to you?!

He wants my kid to call him and I know it’s because he wants to get her all jazzed up about seeing him tomorrow and that’s not going to happen. After threatening me, that was it. We need to go through the fucking courts. I think I’ll wait until tomorrow and just tell him that I’m unable to get her on time and I don’t have a good phone number for him so he’s not able to pick her up. I’ve never had a good number for him because he’s scared of CS getting it. Again, he likes to hide from any and all accountability and I want to make sure he knows that it’s going to backfire. I could say something now, but I think I’ll wait until it’s too late to do anything about it. Kinda shitty yes, but I’m not going to have her around him under these circumstances because if I give in tomorrow, I’m going to be expected to give into that threat every time.

Another thing that’s pretty great is how there’s NEVER a plan for him to take her between Friday and Sunday night. Like over the weekend, he wanted her Sunday during the day after being at the bar both Friday and Saturday night because GOD FOR FUCKING BID I get to ever get to go do anything! I have even stepped foot in a fucking bar in a year now! I have had 5 beers in the past year and not even in the same night! It’s just remarkable how selfish a person can be and again, there’s just so many reasons why I think it would be best for us to have a court order because I have a lot of residual hate and animosity which probably does factor in to how I go about dealing with him!