Uncomfortably numb in 2023

Numbness has settled in deeply. Have I perhaps accepted your death?

5 weeks tomorrow. Has it taken me this long to accept that you’re not coming back?

Or is this numb indifference just for today? Will I wait again tomorrow?

I used to have so much to look forward to, our future. I would daydream about our little house and yard, a home office, chickens. I would dream about growing old with you, would we still smoke weed & play video games in our 60s? Probably.

We talked about travel and where we wanted to go, we had the same ideas about seeing historical places rather than resorts … there’s no one to do those things with anymore.

I don’t daydream about shit anymore. There’s nothingness. Today is the same as yesterday, tomorrow will be the same as today … I don’t plan my days around housecleaning or laundry or baking or decorating or walking with the dogs while you’re at work, there’s just .. nothing.

I get up, make coffee, take the dogs out, listen to music, play Destiny, drink the entire pot of coffee, and go to bed. I have two books beside the bed that I want to read but I just cannot make my brain quiet enough at night to read them.

There’s a pile of laundry in our room that I washed last week but didn’t fold & put away. I never leave clean laundry like that, but now it’s just in a big lumpy pile on the bench.

I quit making our bed in the morning. I always went in and threw the curtains open after you were up, and then picked your day-before socks out of the twisted sheets before making the bed properly. I loved making our room a peaceful retreat for snuggles etc. Now I don’t care. It’s just another room within these walls.

I just don’t care anymore. About anything.