Oh you better believe I'm mad. I'm mad as hell! I'm so mad that this entry probably won't make much sense but I'm going to try to keep it together as much as possible.

How dare you. How fuckin' dare you put that shit on my shoulders! From this day forward you have forever changed my psyche. How you ask? Let me just tell you ...

1 - Suicide is NEVER, ever an option. Suicide is cowardice. So to announce to the world that you are actively attempting suicide shows you are nothing but a coward. Do you want a fuckin' medal or something? "Oh! Look at me! I've tried to kill myself 3 times but chickened out (too coward to follow it through) at the last minute. But that's okay because I still tried. Now reward me!" Only a coward will seek help going this route. Someone who really wants help, and not self-centered attention, will get help the proper way. Someone who really wants help knows they have a huge support network that is available to them 24/7 and will actively seek that help out. A coward knows this help is available to them, yet blatantly ignores it and instead develops the Me! Me! Me! mentality and will do anything to draw attention to themselves, in the worst possible ways ever.

2 - A public forum? Really? You want to announce your continued efforts of suicide and at the same time ask me to carry out your final wishes when you have succeeded? And I am supposed to be okay with that? I'm supposed to be, "Alrighty then. Good luck! I'll make sure your wishes are carried out for you!" Are you fuckin' insane??!!! 20 plus years of friendship and this is ... this is ... fuck, I can't even think of what this is ... how fuckin' dare you do that to me! I thought I meant more to you than that! It's one thing if you were killed in a car accident. I'd carry out your wishes in a heart beat. But this? Fuuuuccccckkkkkkkkkkkk me!

3 - Were you planning on calling me during your next attempt so that I could start carrying out your wishes as soon as you succeeded? Is it really okay in your head that I have to be witness to you killing yourself? Oh wait, you were just going to do it and then wait for someone to get around to calling me - whenever that may be, to let me know you had succeeded? Way to terrorize me with a phone ringing from here on out! You are such a swell best friend! Nah, it's fine that I'll fear answering my phone every time it rings . I'm sure friends and family will eventually get used to me answering the phone with a whispered "hello" and tears in my voice just knowing that this is the phone call that no person ever wants to receive - a call that a loved one is dead. And then to make it even more terrorizing for me, it won't be a call about you so I will still have deal with one more phone call wondering, "Is this the call I have been dreading?" Way to put me in a vicious, never ending cycle there!

4 - Your kids won't remember you? I'm sorry but you are delusional! Ages 9 & 12 & 19 are plenty old. And the biggest thing they will remember about you, after you have killed yourself, is that YOU DID NOT LOVE THEM!!!! It doesn't matter that you do. It doesn't matter how often their father tells them that you did love them. It doesn't matter how often I tell them that you did love them with all your heart and soul. The fact remains that you did not love them enough to live for them. That's right I said it. Your ACTIONS will say it, not only to me, but to them as well. If you would stop thinking about yourself long enough TO think of your children, then you know I speak the truth. If you love your children then LIVE for them!!!!! Don't show them that you loved them so little that they weren't worth living for ... LIVE FOR THEM! Do you really want to forever alter their life, have them forever walking around thinking they are the reason you killed yourself? Because children do that. Children think things are their fault and they are the reason their parent killed themselves. If they (the children) had been a better child, gotten better grades, done anything differently, then you would have loved them enough to live for them. I can just hear Bug now, "If I hadn't moved away to go to college, if I had just stayed home and attended a day college at home, then I would have been there for her and she wouldn't have killed herself." Don't believe me? Talk to any adult of a parent that committed suicide and prove me wrong. You're children won't move on with life after you kill yourself. They'll forever be different. And may try to follow in your footsteps. Is that what you want for your children? Is that the legacy you want to leave them? Prove you love them by LIVING for them! Actions speak louder than words after all ...

But if you do succeed in killing yourself, I will do my best to do right by your children. I will use every resource available to me to insure that they don't end up killing themselves later on in life also. Although, apparently, I did fail you ... so there is that to consider ....

5 - What marriage doesn't have money problems. What marriage doesn't have problems, period? Boo-fuckin'-hoo! My marriage has issues just like everyone else's. You don't hold the monopoly on that, sorry to say. Killing yourself will not make it better. Growing up, dealing with it, making sacrifices, those are things that will make it better. Suicide will not. I'm sure you have convinced yourself that if you kill yourself then your insurance policy will solve all the money problems. What happens if your policy refuses to pay since it was a suicide and you all ready had the pre-existing condition? Hmmm? Then what? Was sacrificing your children's, your family, your friend's mental health worth it in the long run? I'm gonna guess not.

6 - What happens when your family takes their hurt, their anger out on me? Who is to say that they won't blame me? After all, you only told the general public and myself that you were trying to kill yourself, except for them. So since I know, along with thousands of other people now, and you DO succeed, in their eyes it will be my fault because I didn't call them to tell them; I didn't stop you from making the worst mistake imaginable. It'll be all my fault. Thanks for putting that added strain on my shoulders.

Woman, I love you. As you said, I have loved you from day one, when our special bond began. The thought of life without you scares me shitless. I can't imagine my life without you. I tried to live my life without you once and it didn't work out so well for me. I'm not doing that again. Because this time would mean there would never be any hope of you walking back into my life. Never. I can't do that. You can't expect me to do that. Don't break my heart like this. Please don't make me live this life without you.

And just so you know, I forgive you. I forgive you for doing this to me, for putting me in this position. I love you and I forgive you. So if by some miracle my words get through to you enough to make you angry at me, I'll take it. I'd rather have you angry at me and alive than the alternative.

For anyone reading this that is contemplating suicide, I hope this gives you a glimpse of the hell you are putting your loved ones through. And not just after you have killed yourself. I hope I don't ever have to write my feelings out about the loss of a loved one to suicide. Just the attempts alone are devastating enough to me.

It is bad enough when our loved ones unexpectedly die due to a car accident, or heart attack, or what have you. This, this is ten times worse. Suicide is so much worse that words can barely express it. Especially if you are aware of your loved one trying to kill them self. Worst nightmare does not even begin to describe it. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

No one deserves to be so unhappy they want to kill them self. Especially when help is available.

And no one deserves to be put through what I am now being put through. Especially when I am not strong enough to carry the heavy burden.

So to all of you I say, "Get over yourself! Stop being such dramatic attention seeking whores! Man up! Go get help! Unless you have no family, no friends, no one, then this is not about you! Your life affects everyone that loves you! And if you knowingly and willingly choose to go ahead with your suicide attempts, even though you know it will leave unimaginable pain and heartache for those left behind, especially your children, then you deserve nothing less than eternity in hell you cruel, selfish, cold-hearted, mean spirited individual!"