so. not ready. and yet strangely disappointed. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

So he and I were talking [after he made me angry and so I texted him via email testing him going 'call and we can talk about some stuff. I might just go to bed early tonight. and tomorrow night too'. this was last night] um. right so after that he called and told me that he's gotta work on his stuff before he gets serious w/ a lady. ['he' being evan of course].

yeah. and I get that. i'm not ready either. [fuk I was last sexually abused almost 2 yrs. ago and my ex was verbally abusive so no i'm not ready]. and even though I do. get it that is. i'm still. strangely disappointed. and when i'm disappointed I feel like i'm not good enough. yeah and for practical reasons I don't like that plan. please don't go 'it's not you it's him' even though. you're right it's probably not.

I don't completely understand why i'm disappointed. cause I sure as hell wasn't expecting anything serious. just someone to fuk. bed. sex. hook up w/. you know something casual. [actually I realistically don't want sex but I want the other stuff]. and I don't want some random guy I don't know for that. stuff.