so. i wish i trusted myself. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

but I don't. nor do I trust others, really.

back when I was cutting [oh. yeah so I cut for 10 yrs. and haven't in a yr. and 4 months. doesn't mean I haven't wanted to. more on this in an upcoming entry] I often didn't trust myself not to. whereas others might've. others might've been like 'oh I trust you enough not to' or 'I trust you enough to not cut deep' [which btw I never did]. but I didn't. and I think a part of that was I didn't want to. cause sometimes it's just easier to give in. to not be reserved. it's really damn annoying being reserved all the time. or back when I was drinking heavily [which actually wasn't all that long ago. a yr. and um...........yeah 4 months] I didn't feel strong enough to go a day without a drink. so, I just didn't.

I feel like there should be more to this. which there probably is.