I had that w/ Pat. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

So, the past......10 yrs. [well almost. i'll be 27 this month. and also. fuk has it been 10 yrs. already?] I haven't had a good relationship w/ my dad. I mean we get on and everything but we're not close I won't let him in.

So all my life I've always wanted an older sibling. since I always was the older sibling and still am. It always felt, unbalanced not having one. My best friend Pat who died almost a yr. and a half ago, was like a brother to me. He wasn't always a good influence [after all he was an alcoholic. evidently. actually my ex drank a lot too. i don't know if he was an alcoholic or not he didn't seem like one..... every time we were at his place we did shots. ok so that's interesting] but he was a strong influence. whereas. I don't feel my dad's been. Pat was, among other things. ya know that older sibling for me. I feel like he thought of me as his younger sister. [his actual sister was 33 now she's.....35? I think]. I felt safe around Pat. as I vaguely recall. un,like my dad. We drank together but he never like. took advantage of me or led me astray or anything. [other than, the obvious us drinking together. but I think if he wanted to and I didn't he would've been cool w/ it].

and then he. you know. died. so that's another thing I lost.

I feel that way around Shawn Jessica [she's my mentor]'s boyfriend. safe I mean. and she knows that. She and I are close. it's, again. how I feel around evan too. he's just darling. he's v. sweet. and loving. yeah he's pretty big on physicality which is. awesome cause so'm i.