it hit me again last night. still feel like an outsider. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

Ya know. My roommates are nice. to me and in general. they're cool.

But Jenn and Stephanie are related. And Kristina's Jenn's best friend. she's been living here for 3 yrs. I'll never have that w/ them. I know like. if I wanted to go to the store w/ them [although. I really don't like doing that w/ other people. it's so boring and long and time-consuming. cause you have to wait for everybody else to finish] they'd be ok w/ it. that's really the only thing we do outside of the house. the store usually isn't really all that spectacular.

I refer to them as roommates cause I wouldn't exactly call them friends. there's that distance there. they're not excluding me no I. i'm just depressed as of late and sad. so my way of dealing w/ it is by. not. is by not distracting myself. see that doesn't work for me. I don't feel like it's idk. real.

I feel like this w/ my relatives too. they're nice people but. we're not close or anything. I have trust issues and i'm also a really private person. We don't talk about real things big issues. well I mean I don't. which is another reason it's such a relief to talk to evan. is cause he and I do. it's like oh thank god there's someone I can have a real genuine conversation w/. and not have to worry about my trust issues w/. which for the most part I don't.

I know me being in my room this much has the potential to worry anyone who doesn't know me. but the thing is i'm fine. [well clearly not that fine if i'm isolating. no I know]. no what I mean is i'm not self destructing. i'm not suicidal. yes i'm really clinically depressed right now but i'm not suicidal. cause the thing is I actually want. to be here. this is how i'm dealing w/ my depression. I don't want to talk about it. I want to blog about it and sleep. [which I haven't yet actually. it's now 4 a.m. and I've been up since almost 1 p.m. yesterday]. this is what works for me.

I don't really want advice or anything. i'm just remarking and wondering about others' experiences. like who's the same who isn't.