Freezing To Death From The Inside Out in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

I know I don't have the largest readership; I get that I don't have the most devoted following... frankly, the idea that nobody will read these words is almost entirely okay with me. That being said- this is a milestone and... if I don't express myself over it, it WILL destroy me.

I was married for 128 days before my wife decided she no longer wanted to have sex with me. That is about 4 months and five days. Even within that 128 days; we only had sex three times. The mathematically inclined will quickly figure out that such a statement means we had a sexual activity average of 42 days... meaning, we had sex once every 42 days when we first got married.... 42 days being longer than any month in the calendar year. Since then... nothing. Not the smallest bit of sexual contact since November 7, 2011. AKA- 1000 days ago. That equates to just under 2 years and 9 months.

I have never cheated on my wife. Not even emotionally. Of course, I think about past girlfriends and "what might have been" but I've never even so much as used a female friend for a replacement wife emotionally.... which, honorable though it may have been, is likely why I hurt so much inside over all of this. I discussed all of this with my wife the other day. After I came home from an extended absence and she didn't care... I informed her of exactly how much that made me hurt.

Why haven't I left? It is not because my wife is the most attractive woman I know (nor would I expect anyone to consider that). Therein lies the conflict, though. My wife hates herself. She hates herself and her job so much that anything that claims loyalty or love for her is either lying or worthy of the same hatred she gives herself. As she has known me for 10 years and knows me to be an honorable man... she can't pretend I'm lying. So I receive the same hatred she gives herself. An unbearable way of being married. After the first year of this nonsense, I vowed I would not allow it to go 3 years. At 3 years, I would make a decision, ANY decision, to free the both of us from such destruction. And that thought makes me weep. I do love my wife. I find her attractive. One of the primary differences between how we see our marriage::: both my wife and I gained around 20 lbs since the wedding. I don't give a flying shit. I married my wife accepting that, 30 years from "I Do" neither of us would look like we did when we got married... I married her for her insides, her eyes, all the things that that matter. She recently lamented that she did not do the same. As soon as we both gained 20 lbs; she wanted to call it quits until we both "fixed ourselves." She never wanted to be overweight and she patently disrespects any lifestyle that allows overweight.

Frankly, I'm tired. I'm tired of living with a stranger. I'm tired of being constantly hurt by the monster that has assumed my wife's form. I don't want to feel isolated in my own marriage. I will desperately try to get us counseling... I can't even fathom why my previous phone calls have remained unreturned. But I will dedicate my free time this week to trying to get a counselor to (fucking) call me back. Because if not? I will have to dedicate my September to trying to get a divorce lawyer to call me back.... and I don't want to do that. I love my wife. I love that my wife is now part of my family. But... at some point, I have to care for myself. I have to protect myself. I can't remain in a marriage that keeps me from anything positive. I can't remain in a marriage that says "You aren't Brad Pitt, so you shouldn't have sex." I can't remain in a marriage that says "You didn't properly alphabetize the laundry as you put it away." I need a marriage that is supportive, fun, family, and mutual. I pray in such strong earnest that I can avoid a divorce....... but such prayer takes more faith and hope than I have ever previously expressed.