yeah so. um. i'd rather be in his world than without him. in mine/i wish nothing but the best for you/i just want to see you laughing underneath the purple rain in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

Ya know. I don't want to let him I go I never have. the truth is my bonds w/ my other friends my other close friends - Susie, Lane, Mark - aren't as close as they should be. could be. they never have been. They don't know everything I've been going through the way Evan does. they weren't there that night. and even before I met him [which evidently was 2 yrs. ago the 16th of this month. and then we bumped into each other again in Jan.] it wasn't. I don't talk to them every night on the phone. the way I do him.

W/ Mark. he's a really nice guy. he's really sweet and quiet and intelligent. But he has Asperger's so it's hard to connect w/ him. and it's not his fault.

I also don't have the physicality w/ them I do w/ Evan. we don't get together as often. Well but Lane & Susie don't live in state, so. and even if they did idinno it might be weird having that kindof physicality. [also I don't know if they're that physical of people. er what I mean is. I don't know if they're really physical people. some people just aren't].

I've told Evan I wish him the best. And I do. But what if this is the best us not talking. [which well actually it probably is]. but maybe I don't wish him the best if I don't want to let him go? or maybe not. no maybe it's that I wish him the best but I also don't want to let him go.

I don't know for how long it's going to be neither of us does and I want to know. if it were like. ok 2.5 months then i'd be like ok so by Oct..........15th [I think that's right] then we'd be talking again. I'm not a patient lady [wish I was] I don't like waiting.

just like I don't know how much time I have [well really no one does. no i'm speaking as an anorexic] and I want to know. I don't know what would change other than. i'd know. and maybe that's the only thing that would I don't know.