Mindful. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had my appointment with the Dr who did my injection this morning. He told me a bunch of really scary stuff about my back and the only things I remember is the stuff is moving and something down to the root. I have to do ablations now and the first one is on the 3rd. I’m not really nervous but I’m annoyed that the injection didn’t do it’s job and now we have to do more stuff. My discs are bulging and I know that there’s probably no job for me where I wouldn’t be in massive pain the whole time.

My parents came by and got the laundry. I’m now just drinking coffee and just enjoying my time because my daughter asked me to get her early today because she’s tired. I got some stuff at the store because I don’t want to go back over the weekend. I like going when she’s at school otherwise she likes to talk me into buying a bunch of crap we don’t need and then I spend way more than what I want to.

I know that my friend is going to call and ask if I’ve let my landlord know I’m leaving. Not sure what I plan to say. I know that if I were to tell him the truth it would either result in him flipping out or hanging up on me but I don’t think it’s fair that I should lie either. I am also sick of how much he’s done to me that he’s never taken blame or apologized for so it’s bullshit that we have so many open wounds.

There’s a lot of shit people have put me through and will keep putting me through if I let them and that’s why I stay pretty closed off. I bitch about being lonely but I’d rather stay to myself than deal with uncomfortable situations or worry about our safety. I am very angry within myself because I’ve gone against my better judgment too many times to keep doing it. I can’t ignore my gut instincts anymore because I am a single Mom so I have to worry about my child and where she would end up if something happened to me. I don’t want to be surrounding myself with people where I have to worry about them triggering the unhealed parts of me and I risk going to jail.

I still think it’s bullshit that all of our kids were there every time they decided to throw temper tantrums, they just didn’t care at all. It’s sad that the kids weren’t a deterrent at all and that’s scary because what else could have happened and what could happen the next time?! This bitch is absolutely out of his mind if he thinks I’m willing to ever consider putting my child or myself in this predicament again!

We’re established here and I like that. I don’t want to go somewhere new and have to worry about waiting a really long time to get her into an after school program or for another big sister. My daughter is happy here and I like where we’re at with everything. I don’t want to up and change everything on a whim and know that there’s a really good chance that we could go there and things could go terribly wrong and then be stuck there because there’s no where to live here if we wanted to come back.