Projection in Current Events

I forget that I am experiencing a projection of myself when it comes to my roommate. It’s as though I am face to face with the kind of man that I used to be. A picture of my own instability. I was emotionally dysregulated and did not hold myself emotionally liable. I had an unstable self-image, and I was impulsive, etc. I had an unchecked high-functioning borderline personality disorder, I’m sure of it. It was an impairment. It was only when I stopped externalizing everything and started to internalize what needed to be internalized did I start to grow. Now I see these patterns of a personality disorder in my roommate. Behavioural therapy is what my doctor recommended to me once but I could not afford it. By freak chance, I found my way. She is not my responsibility. It is not up to me to try to fix her or make her aware. However, I know that she is deeply suffering and just trying to cope.

Lately, I am finding myself a little emotionally dysregulated. I am not treating strangers well when I am in public. I am turning into a Karen. Worse than that, actually. I’m being a toxic male. Male pattern bitchiness. I’m working on a catchy name for it. My patience is as thin as my new hairline and I need to work on it.

I did not get a call today regarding the position I applied for. Janice reached out to me to tell me that she was rejected for a position she applied for. It was not the same one as mine. I told her that I am waiting to hear back about mine and she told me to let go of that place. Letting go seems to be the theme I keep encountering. I don’t know what I need to let go of exactly but the cosmos does. I decided to apply to a few other places in my area. We shall see what happens with that.

I don’t feel like I did the most today. I have to leave to go to my grandfather’s wake shortly. I set up the furniture on our balcony. I cleaned up the old picture that my sister returned to me on the weekend. I lost it at her place. It was a gift to my grandmother from my father. She wanted me to have it. It’s in rough shape but I think I can save it. I was prepared to take it to a framer to reframe it but I might be able to salvage it.

I can’t shake the feeling that I will get the call while I’m at the funeral tomorrow. That it will be the universe kicking me while I’m down as I get informed that I am not the selected candidate. That’s how things work in my world. Not that I’m feeling sorry for myself or anything. Just being real.

I feel so jaded by astrology right now because this is the moment when things are supposed to be turning around for me, and quickly! It feels as though I can never catch a break. I have 99 problems and this full-time position will solve all of them.

Anyway, I have to get ready for the wake.