don't want to leave but i. don't want to stay here. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

so um. I've been keeping the entries about my anorexia [and my drinking] private [actually this isn't new] but something's been happening lately that's scared me. so.

Here's the latest. well a few things. 1: I don't. want to die this time. that might change in a month. B: I'm not ready to. No I'm not ready to go.

Yeah but. I also don't want to do the work to get to being recovered. And bc of that I don't think I deserve hospitalisation. [which I realise doesn't solve the problem cause then I'm still not doing the work they are. yes and that's exactly what I want. so then you know if it happens I can end up manipulating them]. I haven't called yet. but over the past few months I keep getting this feeling.......... it's not a decision you should rush into. No I know. Really what I'm looking for is an out. is someone to go 'it's ok. we'll take care of you you don't have to do a damn thing'.

Yeah see there are the 2 other things. 1: even though I don't, want to die I'm also not willing to do any of the work to not die. and 2: I don't care. I haven't for yrs. and not just about this. The last time I cared about my sister was. like 2 yrs. ago. [evidently according to the blog entries I wrote 2 yrs. ago]. and maybe if I actually cared...... [well I care a little. enough to be worried about my own damn health].

Also I don't want, to be in the hospital. [well I don't know that anyone really wants to be]. I probably need to be though. [and knowing me it probably won't happen].

Really it's about revenge. and anger. and hurting people. some revenge that is having a lethal disease. it's how I communicate w/o actually doing so. i'm postponing my life so I don't have to talk to people. [well ok so I never 'have' to]. so I don't 'have' to uh. work things out. yeah my ED is standing in the way of that and yeah I actually somewhat like that. it's not about weight at all. originally 13 fukin yrs. ago it didn't start out being about revenge. no it was curiosity.

No see the thing is. i'm very self indulgent. and I don't care and i'm selfish. but you know addicts. we think it's all about us. i'm a self indulgent lady who likes to make herself crazy. [yes i'm paraphrasing 'girl, int.' here]. there's nothing wrong w/ me. [or maybe there is and that's what it is]. there's not many things that are uh. more self indulgent than unhappiness.