april 3, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'today's not going much better

[and]. not that yesterday was [all that] great [either].

So, it snowed. overnight, apparently. i crashed between 7 and 8 last night and was mostly asleep when James phoned at 4:40 this morning. I then went back to sleep and woke up at 8:17 apparently, according to my phone. which was when i called him.

and it's now 9:30. a.m.

i am so tired.

Weather like this always throws me. i hate the damn snow. tomorrow the high's going to be 61. and today it's...........33. yeah. i know. just the other day over the weekend it was sunny and 80 and gorgeous. we got very little snow in March which is our 2nd snowiest month.

um. i didn't sleep well. i don't. often.

Yesterday I was drugged. but more on that later. [it had to do w/ a dental appt.]

god i can feel my.bones back bones. it hurts. and my pelvic bones. i can feel myself getting thinner which is interesting bc i've been trying to eat better.

yeah trying and then failing. no............no...............  'the only true failure is when you stop trying'. thank you Madam Leoda.

you can see why i'm always so tired. i don't have th e energy, frankly.        no no i don't.        to not be.

i'm so damn fragile and i hate it. i'm so frustrated. why the hell can't i just eat? .............. but i know the answer to that. i'm just too impatient to always remember it.

bc if i eat a whole bunch at once. i'll crash. it'll make it worse.

i know this and yet.............   yeah but see that's the ironic thing about patience. is we don't have to wait for it. we want it now. This brings to mind a recent Simpsons episode in which Lisa is helping Bart learn to read. and he's not sure how to pronounce 'patience' and she gets short w/ him about it; 'patience!'. [for anyone interested they're reading Little Women. i like that book. a lot. and yet i don't have it].

Talking about being short i've been lately. w/.........  well mostly w/ James. since i'm short w/ anyone else. but he just takes it. ya know? he just takes it and takes me and takes me in and is like 'honey it's ok..........shhhhhh...........let me help'. he is so warm and caring. and nice. and good to me. and those are some of the reasons i love him as much as i do.

my period's coming.........  i've had 'people overload' lately dear god. this whole. not, eating. thing. is really getting to me. and then w/ the damn weather today and yesterday. i need to get out. or at least. i want him right now. cause i don't wanna be alone in, w/ this.

the thing i have to remember is that i'm not.

tomorrow night we might not go to the bar. just cause that'll be more 'people overload'. we might just stay at my place and order pizza and watch tv/a movie. ya know the more i think about it the better it seems.

i'm losing what little patience i have left