april 10, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

''this morning being yesterday a.m. v. early.

*Lou's wife being Sara

'so. i'm confused. i'm in recovery again.

This morning when James had pizza he handed some to me and was like 'here. eat'. The last time I had an actual meal was Easter, at his mom's. and before that..............'bout a week ago at a friend's [one of our lesbian friend's - Lou's] - birthday. Her wife made this awesome pasta salad and I had some.

but other than that i really haven't eaten much. i know i need to i'm not stupid. [well, no, clearly not]. i just don't care. so it's either A; i need other people to bc i'm too damn apathetic/numb to or, 2; to be perfectly honest, 'no. go away. i don't want you i don't want to change for you. no' but more on that later. Quite frankly he's, in a very weird way, lucky I was sick this morning or else I wouldn't've listened to him. and then we would've gotten in argument and ended things on a bad note.

yes i realise relationships are give-and-take. i get that.

One of the differences between my alcoholism and my anorexia is that I've had an ED for the past 10 yrs. just. no one said much about untill college, really. and then that stopped. and now...........it's back again.

I don't want to tell him this cause i don't want to hurt him. at least not right now [the whole. not telling.thing]. You know, I need some time to think it over. a lot, apparently. he knows I need time but he doesn't know whatsup.

cause i don't want this to be it. not long term, anyway. short term? well.........i won't lie about that. shit before............before I met him I could drink and relapse as much I fukin wanted and no one said a damn thing cause that's how isolated I was. well ok i still can.technically. i just, um. 'shouldn't'. [not that i should've before............but........you get it, so].

Part D

'that I need to eat and I know he's worried/cares/loves me a whole helluva lot and...........that............i almost wish he didn't. I didn't grow up w/ that. don't get me wrong my parents care i love them they're good people just. they were never that involved. [off-note; my mom was present just not in that way. it was 'ok here's the food. eat don't eat']. [and as for my dad, well. i think you already know].

It would be better if he would blatantly state that he's worried about me. I know guys aren't the most emotional creatures and that they always want to 'fix' things [god do they] but......i mean, really. i try for him. ok so more communication-wise but the point stands. stop trying to 'fix' me/my emotions. just. help. [also that makes me feel like i'm being objectified and. no. like no one's allowed to do that but especially not the man i'm dating. w/ other people who do that it's like well i prolly won't see them again so w/e. but bc i will see him it means more].

If the situation were reversed i'd be 'honey i want to help. what can i do?' instead of 'ok now let me take over and 'fix' you/things for you'. i don't need to be fukin fixed i need to be fukin helped. [not that i always want to be].

[oh and yes i'll talk to him about this. when i'm not so...........livid].

[one of the many differences between men and women. sigh].


i like that he's taking over it's just. not in the right way.

It does feel like I don't have a choice. which ok I don't. i mean in the way things are being handled. [however.........w/ that being said...........i get that sometimes the best course of action is the quickest. i don't like it or god no].