april 10, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'fuk.

i'm worried about us. [ok so slight off note, but.........i'd get blazed, which helps. although it's sunny out and i never get blazed when it's sunny. nor do i drink when it's sunny. or cut. i mean i have i just........try not to].

what if this is it for us? ya know? last night i would not talk to him. cause i was hurt and upset and pissed. and now i'm just sad. we've had stuff before and the last time i thought 'we've never gone through anything this bad' and now. i'm thinkin that again.

he told me the 'best' way to lose him is to . do exactly that. yeah but at the end of our phone conversation I blatantly told him I needed space. so it's not like I didn't warn him.

yeah but see. that's not the point. the point is he still doesn't know what's going on.

i gotta let him in. even just a little.

I'm trying really hard to step it up. you know, to do better. and then. i go and do something like this.

how long do you put up w/ someone's crap before you're finally like 'ya know what? i love you i'm sorry but that's it. we're done'.

ok think of it this way: he's a really good guy. other than that one instance he hasn't controlled me at all. he does so much for me he gives me so much.

mmmmk................so............... - thinkin outloud here - but if the situation were reversed how would I want to be told? [as that usually helps]. well. i'd want them to be honest and not tell me more than they were ready to. like, something about 'hey here's what's going on w/ me.........the recent relapse' - or. w/e it happens to be - 'and recovery. you're now a part of that which is weird. we'll talk more about that later. i wasn't ready to talk last night but I am now'.

see? that's letting him in...........right? maybe.

We need to talk. No I know when people say that what they really mean is 'I'm going to talk to you you don't get a say'. No, 'we' as in, he and I, need to talk. the both of us need to sit down and have a discussion about this.