april 16, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'selfishness.

14:  no sick w/ parents, 16: cooking/pots/knives

Part A:

it's so frustrating. he doesn't get it. not as much as I want him to [yes well does anyone. i'm making a point not asking. so don't answer]. again i'm not getting enough from him. well. but. i'd have that problem w/ anyone. as, i'm the type who's never fully satisfied. apparently. he doesn't see me. no not the way i want him to. If people want to see the best of me well so be it I'm most certainly not going to stop them. [though, there are some days when i really wish they wouldn't]. yes I know I'm the only one who sees the apparent worst in me. right and i'm not the only one who's like that.

Yeah you don't have to like it. hell i don't expect you to. But at least acknowledge that I see that.......even if you don't/can't/won't. be like 'hey ok i don't like that but it's how you are'. No it's not all I am - evidently - but it's a big part. and always has been.

and then just let it be as it is. even if you don't fully understand it.

[just like my dad who also. doesn't get it. But even moreso than James does.n't].

Part B: Promises & breakups selfishness

I want to break it off w/ him I really do. I've told him this in a hypothetical sense. i.e., 'if it happens...........and that's if ..........' kindof thing. not when. but if. i learnt the difference back in boarding school.

'cause some things. you can't even tell your love.r. things. cause it hurts too much.

I've wanted to break it off w/ him for awhile now. Short term, yeah. oh absolutely.

I want to break it off w/ him cause it'd be easier for me to hurt. Ya know. it's easier for me to continue down this path of self-destruction. then i can be like 'well fuku you can't tell me what to do let me depart in peace'.

just like i've been doing for the past 10 yrs. i'm astounded i'm still here i really am.

Isn't that awful? No, really. Isn't that selfish? like wow you obviously don't care that much. i love him but not as much as i love my disease. no in fact i love that more [i'm starting to sound like an alcoholic. wait. i am one. i'm referring to my other disease this time my anorexia].

at least i admitted it. a lot of people can't. or, they're not ready to. and if you're not then. ya know, you're not. I haven't been/wasn't untill late.ly.recent.

Ya know, up untill this past weekend I always thought that when you were in love you always loved the other person as much as they loved you. And that there was something wrong w/ you if you didn't. Cause of course I didn't know any different.

He made me promise something. He took over. When I told him I was letting him I, although didn't clarify this at the time my bad, meant it was just for that night. not.............not forever. not for the whole week or the next 2 days or w/e. not that much.

And those 2 things take away my independence and my freedom. even if it's for the best. even if you're right. Don't ever do that. that frankly is triggering.

You don't take away a woman's independence and freedom. esp. not one like me. esp. not one who's been r**ed. [twice i might add].

and esp.............esp...........not one who's, a force to be reckoned w/. my sister and my mom are the same way. hell hath no fury [yeah you're tellin me].

Part C: don't want to be w/ someone who wants to die/maybe i'm not as good a person as i think/doubts on me

ok here's what he told me the other day. [it was either Sat. or Sun.]: he doesn't want to be w/ someone who wants to die.

well, guess what. you already are.

No I get that. And I know how delicate these situations are i'm not stupid [as i've detailedproven many times by now]. But that's not really a dealbreaker for me, honestly. I don't like it but it's like ok. long as it doesn't become a big issue. And if it does then yeah please talk to me about it and we'll figure somethin out.

I guess, relationship-wise, I really hadn't put much thought into it. or any, actually.

It's just..........that kindof makes me feel like he doesn't want to be w/ me. or that's a reason he doesn't want to be. [oh and straying is so much better. right ok then]. doesn't mean he'll leave. hell he's stuck w/ me [for] this long.

Either that, or.and/or. it makes me feel like I can't be who I am around him. Like I can't admit that to him. [alrite so i can't least not fully. but. i can't admit that to anyone. and i won't. consider yourselves lucky you don't have to worry about me that much. and honored that i actually want to protect you from me. but i don't want to protect me from me. either that or it's just like eh w/e].

[i realise though in saying that there are times when the less you know the more you do worry. yeah ok i get that].

And also. he said something about how if that's me then he wants out now. yeah and so do i. we'll need to talk about this

Part D: what's wrong w/ being lost/physically falling/no judgements  E

So the other day when James & I were in bed I said something about how I'm 'lost' and he's like 'no I don't want to hear that'. which makes me feel like there's something 'wrong' w/ being lost. Like, again. I can't be who I am.

and I don't like that. If I'm lost then shouldn't I be allowed to state that? and be that blatant about it? [well yes].

Ok, so when we were in bed [this might or might not have happened on the same occassion I really don't remember] I say something about how I've been falling [like. as in literally physically falling] and, again. he has the same reaction. which, as i just stated............

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Part 5: you don't have to like it but don't tell me not to. in fact don't tell me anything

ok so. I'm not entirely sure what this is in reference to. actually. Oh wait now I remember. ok so last night when we're on the phone I said something - don't remember what but it was about my life/psychological issues/what i'm currently going through - and he's like 'honey, you need to stop doing that. it's not helping you any'.

Ok so he may have a point. actually in fact if I'm to be completely honest, he does.[haveapoint]. But I mean that bothers me. It makes me feel, once again.............like i can't be who I am.

Look you don't have to like what I do/say. [yes this again]. In fact I don't expect you to. But don't tell me not to. that doesn't help either. even if it's nice. in fact. don't tell me anything.