april 17, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 28, 2014, 2:52 a.m.
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- Public
'yeah. you're tellin me.
SA/ED Content
So. tonight's ep. of 'glee' was really. relevant. You know cause uh. Finn was wondering how to get his youth back.
yeah. i get that. damn i get that.
When you have an ED you feel old. you feel old and thin and frail and you don't want to do anything. you don't have the energy you're too tired and foggy. and cold always cold.
As James pointed out earlier, people look at small people more than they do large ones. Well yeah but that's not the point. Point is if I gain weight no matter how much I'll take up space raising my own damn anxiety. it's always been that way. I don't care for advice here it's not welcome.
And esp. when you're red. twice. You don't tell people and you're dead. 'our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter' - dr. king. yeah. i know. I was dead for a whole fukin year back when I was 17. cause i didn't know cause i didn't tell.
it still seems unreal.
they take away our youth.
The interesting thing here is that........... people look at me and go/think 'you look so young'. Yeah and when you're me and this is strictly purely only for me personally. - that's not a compliment believe me. I don't want them thinking I look 5, 10 yrs. younger when I'm 24. no. You can tell me that when I'm 40 and that's when it's considered a compliment. 40 fuk. if i even live that long.
Maybe I'm too vain here and sry for that. But. It's like I'm an old woman trapped in a young woman's body. just waiting for time to catch up w/ me. but if i go young [and, on that note, 'bury me on a bed of roses' - 'if i die young', the band perry] then everyone will look at how physically beautiful i am and how.ethereal. and it'll just be. still and silent.
you know, like an old black-and-white.photo. and classic. old-fashioned.
I don't even remember what being happy feels like. and when I do when I have..............it's only been moments those few moments that are. well. few and far between. stagnant. It's called lucidity for a reason ya know. those moments don't last long.
You can disagree w/ me and that's fine. But I'll stand by this belief. And understand that I have more than enough reasons to feel as old as I do. It's not just the small things like my liking of Sinatra or Casablanca. or my belief in genuine human love and compassion. loyalty. having time, being there.
And no one is.
Things age you. even though you don't look it.
I only look young. and don't ever underestimate that.
I gues, really. what it comes down to is i'm just in the beginning stages of progression. ok of..........of recovery, really. from the re. this coming august it'll be 2 yrs.
I'm having problems that highschoolers have. Ya know? i don't love myself. i can't/won't. not yet. these things take time and you can't rush time. well ok you really shouldn't. rather. is what i meant.
i used to, before I turned 23. and then.................you know the rest.
'you only live once'. yeah no crap ya do. you're tellin me. [yes in fact you are telling me]. So ya gotta live every moment. Like you don't know what could happen.
No ya know maybe you don't. you just wait, untill your body catches up w/ you. untill it's a perfect.match.balance. i do, anyway. i have for years. and maybe that's my apparent destiny.
if that's not you, ok. if that's not how you operate, then ok.
It is really sad that I really didn't/haven't had time to be young. to feel young. When I've been in recovery all these years. or rather because of it. The one time I remember it finally being, er, 'even' is back when I was hanging out w/ 'the group'. I was I think 22 at the time. we would hang out and smoke hookah and just.talk. and be. there'd be music sometimes and drinking.
You know and that was really nice. I was in my earli-er 20's and yeah that's how I was supposed to be what I was supposed to be doing. living in bohemia suspended in time.
And maybe that's what I'm hoping for w/ hanging out w/ James, Max & Jasmine. is that feeling of...............idinno, 'meant-to-be', for want of a better way to explain this. So far we've gotten stoned w/ them twice. [and yes i fuked things up the 2nd time but that's a; not the point and 2; not something i want to detail at all].
No one has ever made me feel as young as James does. hell no one's ever made me feel that way, period. And another interesting thing here is that he's actually older [27], than I am. and yet he feels younger. it's really..........humbling i guess is the best way to put it.
And, up untill tonight, I didn't realise how much I've needed that. and just how much it means.
ya know what i'd do if i had a limited amount of time? not a damn thing.
I think that's what I mean when I go 'what happened to me?'. i've just not had a way to correctly articulate it untill this point. i've always known exactly what it is. but i also like the idea-concept of having that just in the air between us.
maybe when i finally feel the age i am. things'll finally.click. be even. ya know?
I think part of this. is knowing I could have gotten pregnant. and i guess there's that certain sense of.......... well.i don't quite know what, honestly. that'll always be there.
again. you only live once. yeah and...........you can come pretty damn close to 'leaving' several times. [i know] i have. w/ AP [Alcohol Poisoning] and all that. 'it's bad for me and yet i'm attracted to it' - betty white, hot in cleveland
*i don't remember what that feels like. and if i do it's vague. er i vaguely remember it. you know that feeling when you're on top of the world. you can do anything. maybe that fades as you get older.
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