april 29, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 5:44 p.m.
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- Public
'>...........night was good untill it. wasn't. untill it turned awful. and PTSD. and advice/meds/natural stuff vs. not.
and. not touching. and. latest development.
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ugh so. as usual I've been given a lot to think about. Like I said, last night was good. untill it. wasn't. We [James & I] went to the mall. oh by which I mean Cherry Creek rather than Mills.
So we walk around for an hr. And walk through the um. uh.................................uh.............where the food's at. Food court* yeah there we go. Which is at 1 end. And behind it's the ...........River. like there'r the back doors and then that. As we near it I get triggered. We round the corner. Going the other direction.
I mean ok yes being there does trigger me. I just didn't fully register how much. Yeah it's 'ok so we're goin to the mall' and also 'being there triggers me'. but I didn't realise how much. it was like oh wow whoa.crap.
I'm not blaming him. No, I'm not. But I think the fact that I was there w/ him certainly didn't help.at all.
The only person I've gone to the mall w/ on more than 1 occassion is my sister. well and my mom. I mean I've gone there by myself.........gone to The River. visited it. took me a long time to come back there. long time.
some days. i remember everything about him. The..........he...........the 1st guy. and i'm not really sure what to think of that. i don't know that i ever have.been.
So he - James - and I go to sit down. in 2 seperate chairs which feels weird as usually we're either sitting right next to each other or I'm sitting on him. After a bit I get up and hug him and he asks if I want to leave and I do so that happens.
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Part B: was good untill it. wasn't. untill it turned awful. and PTSD.
Go back to my place. Watch tv then a movie, Sweeney Todd. Which I've only seen once aside from last night. at the movies w/ my mom. I don't watch my DVDs regularly even though I have about 40 - 50 of them.
So, up untill I watched it I didn't get why Sweeney Todd wanted revenge. 2 reasons: 1, bc, at the party, the woman was red and B; bc of his wife [uh........right and what happened to her? Please DON'T Tell Me]. and then i'm like 'oh wow, i like him'. I like dark stuff....... Phantom, Spring Awakening, Next To Normal, um.........RENT. ok so that's not so much dark as sad, v. sad. but the point's there. i relate to it.
James & I are lying on my sofa in the dark watching the movie and. doing stuff. it's very comfortable, and I mean both our position-ing and the stuff we're.doing. Ok so biting, mainly. he runs his nails up and down my neck..........my arm. it's quite nice. and hard. yes I like pain. I've scratched before [haven't done so in months] but not for that reason. not for anything any. sexual reason. And as he's doing that I'm thinking of how hard he could do it before it stings. Biting stings but in a different way. [oh the details of our sex life]. W/ biting it's not like. a burning pain. and scratching, is. it's hot.
So um after awhile, I need space. I go and sit in the chair atop my stairs [this is turning into a v. descriptive entry], which is difficult to curl up in. I move to the stairs, my newest 'thinking spot'. Movie's still on.
And..........that's when it comes. The circus.........the things........colors...........people. I start crying becoming upset. This lasts for awhile. he's gone to sleep or so I presume. at most, he's quiet. somehow I end up on the floor. it's all pretty damn awful. I rationally logically realise, through all this - a 1st for me as i'm not the most logical person esp. as of late. or, um, rational - that, if I want his help I'll have to go to him. when what I really want is for him to come over and take me in his arms and go 'honey what's wrong? is it the circus again? shhhhh..........shhhh..........i'm here'.
So I do and we talk. I know we talk about that. I don't really remember the details.
I get up bc, it's still going on. And - I don't remember doing this. I mean I remember it happening but it's like I was drugged when it happened, so. - start opening my cabinets. I get out a box of pasta and a can of beans and some hot chocolate. Move about in the kitchen get some tea from atop the, uh. stove. [like, as in it's on the shelf thing]. and my blueberry muffin tin. set that all down start rambling incoherently. as I do.
from the kitchen to the hallway where I. yes i literally collapse.
and somehow we end up on the sofa together, listening to my current playlist. I'm touching him and looking at his eyes and saying how pretty they are.
It's really awful.
The last time I collapsed was at the bookstore by my place a few months back. that doesn't happen to me. ever.
When we started watching the movie I remembered 'oh yeah that's right there's a re scene in this'. which certainly doesn't help my worsened PTSD any.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............................................................................
So eventually, I crash. 'round 6 this morning and I think I wake up at.............either 9 or 2. i really don't kknow which.
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Yeah. it was a pretty damn awful night. and scary too. as mentioned.
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Part C: not touching. and. latest development.
So, I was so damn incomprehensible + upset + terrified [since, in the words of James, "you sound terrified". well yeah], + tired. and all. that. that the few times he touched me I tripped out. I pushed him away. I don't do that unless I'm stoned and then it's like 'Please don't do that as it feels different this time, and. not in a good way' not 'no go away'.
And. I don't like that. I don't like him being the person I'm physically pushing away. I mean yes ok obviously when that happens I'm not the most logical. or, you know, really all there. but it still doesn't make it right.
And, ya know. Maybe, when I get like that touching me isn't the best thing I really don't know. [oh and on that note, other things I'll respond to are touch, and temp. changes. er sorry no not touch, written words. I'm a lot more honest through writing too].
Ok so here's the latest development. The], flashbacks have now entered my,,,,,,,,the,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,circus.thing. and they've gotten worse. well, not so much 'worse' as A; they're happening more frequently and 2: different
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