may 1, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'So, I've been thinking. And. About.

ok so jumping subjects here. I've been too damn tired to think rationally logically. It's not even that I'm upset about some of his smaller advice/ideas. it's that. The tiredness takes over and therefore I don't think 'hey that's a good idea' or 'I like that'.

Like. he's told me that maybe I could try Benadryl for my nauseau since it's his theory that it's due to allergies. Ok so that's perfectly reasonable. Well one that's not why I have crushed up Benadryl. And B, I appreciate it. And also.........I think he's wrong. I know myself better than that. in that respect, anyway. Honestly it's due to the relapses. cause when I eat I don't feel that way.as.much.

It's like thank you but............I think I already know why/how to handle it. Sprite.

As for the whole.............taking pills-for-headaches.thing. Um. I appreciate it but I don't like the idea of taking pills for that. thank you, I'm not saying don't care. I don't want that kindof quick fix. [which. actually is really funny since whenever I get that achy-right-before-you-get-sick.feeling. i pop 2 of them. But that's the only time. And I'll take Midol monthly for my period but that's different. not sure how yet nor am I asking. well. it is and it isn't].

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So.............on this whole. needing perspective.thing. Um. awhile back I admitted no confessed that I. didn't want him to come to the bar w/ me bc I didn't wnt him asking Sara for advice on his hair tangles.cause I'm a narcissist.

I know she'd be better able to help him w/ that then I would. You know I get that. But, it still bothers me. yeah i'm a bit selfish like that.

Now, he doesn't know this, but that's why we haven't gone to the bar. Earlier tonight when he phoned [currently 8:20 p.m.] I told him it was bc I missed going to the bar by myself. which ok I do. but that's not the main reason.

I mean. eh. it is how it is. I know if I tried to tell him 'no don't do that you can't I won't let you' that would be controlling. as much as I want to.

I guess this is 1 reason I don't have many friends I see regularly [or ok ever] bc I don't want to be on the other end of that. I don't want people - esp. whomever I'm in a relationship w/ - to feel left out. Like I'm dismissing them...............to be perfectly honest.

but. w/e.