may 1, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>..........change. for anyone. they have to change for me. after a fight = freedom.

oh god.

So, James & I have had...........  2 fights within the past. few hrs. One thing I really don't like about him is that he puts in his 2cents and doesn't seem to care. It's like he has no regard for my feelings that way. He calls me out if I say something like 'I'm broken'. And I don't like that. I don't always want to be told that when it's something I already know. Like, yeah I know I shouldn't do that.........I don't need you reminding me. I'm already hard on myself. Why do you have to be too? my mom was. And it doesn't help to know that others will be the same way. And yet he's the one who told me..........that I need to stop being that way. oh but then it's ok for him to do that. what the hell? standard much?

it's confusing. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore.........he used to be sweet and loving. he still is just not as much. There's a reason I need as much compassion as I do. I didn't grow up w/ it. And he doesn't. I'm sorry that's just who I am.

what happened to the sweet guy i fell in love with.

or. at least i thought that's who I was. Frankly I'm not sure anymore. I'm an addict that's why I'm selfish. And, according to him, it's like I use that as an excuse. Like oh so bc i'm an addict it's ok for me to be selfish. like that's some way out. or, 'oh she's going through stuff so that's ok'.

But that's not an excuse. And I know that. When was the last time I cared.............i mean, really cared. last summer. the answer comes to me clearly. bc I had to. bc I had to do that for my family. I wouldn't take that away from them. when something already had been.someone.

I never used to be this selfish. But lately I've been awful about it. I'd say I hate it but we all know that's a lie............   if you drive people away no one likes you. and that makes it easier for you to go.

Things were going away. and then I........started having symptoms. and that changed us. maybe it's better if we don't talk. if this keeps happening. every time I tell him I'll let him know if I'm angry straightaway and then each time it happens. I don't. Ya know, most of the time couples fight about absolutely nothing. A small argument about what to watch on tv turns into something big. And not only that but it's the same damn thing. and it becomes routine.

The thing that you think is chaotic becomes routine. guess even chaos doesn't last.

Do I want him to go? well..........   it's not so much that as I want to go. and i figure if i cut all ties.........  yeah but how boring is that statement? the fact that he loves me this much makes it really hard for me.

i get annoyed w/ him for not going.........but i get annoyed w/ myself for staying. wow it really is misdirected.

why does he trap me like this? [or, really. why do i see it that way?]. he's told me on more than 1 occassion that if I need space to let him know. i just don't remember that.

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Thing is. I want to fight. no i really do. so i can be like 'well fuk u' and finally have that freedom. that satisifed feeling of 'ok i might have driven him away but i have freedom now'. And I like that feeling.in fact.

but my willpower won't let me stay away from him for long. stupid willpower. it was so much easier when i was single. i didn't have anyone do this to me. [which............makes it sound like abuse, really].

I didn't like being sexually abused. which only happened twice within the past ............7 yrs going on 8. But, weird as it sounds, there's a certain part of me that wishes it was more. someone who would see my faults and only that and then leave. yes so ok that makes me feel like a whore but at least then...................    well. i've always been fascinated by that industry. there's a reason i don't go downtown anymore at night. well. there was before i met him. but now even moreso. i feel like that's cheating..........straying. and as tempted as i've been lately i won't.

since obviously there's a part of me that wants him. or else i would've already left. that, and he won't let me.

but i need him to help me through this psychological thingy. otherwise i'd say sure let's take a break. he's the only one that does know and that's the way i intend to keep it.

i need him. i don't always like him and i don't always want him - other than physically/sexually - but i need him. and...........i do love him. sure maybe i don't feel that way right now but it doesn't change that it's a fact.