may 1, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'i've become comfortably numb - pink floyd

A Very Honest Entry.

I've been this way for a few yrs now. I've just never admitted it to anyone bc I've been too afraid to really admit it. and the fact that i, to be perfectly honest, 'play the victim' is my way of keeping people close. keeping myself more interesting.

Yeah. I know. My god. Yes I'm very emotionally unwell.

I'm not saying I haven't been through shit. I have. I mean I've been r**ed for the love of God! There must be something really.really. wrong w/ me in order for me to do this. And I wish I kknew what it was. what specifically it was. i wish i could figure myself out.

And really. What if I don't want to change? I just amplify everything i really do. People like me bc they don't really know who I am. If they did they wouldn't like me as much. And then they'd eventually leave. and then I'm back here again. I know I'm a helluva confusing woman. I get that.

I just hope that after people know this they won't think any differently. I'm still holding onto my past, something I'm dealing w/ through writing. like. actually sitting down and writing all of it. And maybe, once I've written everything down every damn bloody awful detail. It won't be so much a part of me.any more.

I'm willing to do that much.

I'm fine having depression and shit. Yes it sucks but I've accepted that. sometimes..........   i'm really ok w/ things sucking. I want people to be there when I go through my periods bouts of depression. To be 'i'm sorry you're hurting what can I do to help?'.

I say I want people to like me but what I don't realise is that they already do. No that's not it all. I realise it but I don't practice it. I don't...........don't activate it. I don't consciously remember it.

maybe............   people listening all this time and being there from time to time, hasn't been all that great. Maybe it's like 'yeah ok we'll be there for you bc you're hurting but no more after'. or maybe my issue here is I don't celebrate things enough. So that I can even out the constant hurting w/ the non.constant hurting. or not even constant just the. not hurting.

maybe it's good they didn't let me pull them down farther. let me destroy them more. And yet that's the very reason I've stopped talking to them. some, for yrs.  And then I forget why. But there's that feeling of...............yeah they did something. I don't remember what but they did something.

But I didn't see that as such a good thing then! no of course I didn't bc at the time I couldn't.

All I ask is that after you read this, you have compassion for me. And how unwell I really am.

i am so. so. sorry.