may 6, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

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Ok um. I need to be completely honest here. This is what's really been going on.

I love him. We just surpassed our 5 month in fact. last week. I'm just, not sure if this is going to work. It's not him at all. It's not something he is/isn't doing and/or is/isn't saying. I'm not annoyed w/ him I'm not angry w/ him. I'm not. upset w/ him. or, w/e. anything like that. In fact I'm not anything.

um...................crap i'm anxious.

It's just. my feelings have changed. My mom & I've talked about him us a lot. well, weekly. Like 'yeah so this is what we did Easter', or. w/e. stuff like that. I tell her the going-ons. Just the basics as I do w/ everything.

I love them both, though in different ways. I just - and I feel bad even thinking this - honestly.wish. they hadn't met. Bc if they hadn't then I wouldn't feel so trapped by my mom's asking. I'm not asking for advice here. I've already figured out what to do how to deal w/ it. And that's. not dealing w/ it. By not telling her. It's not my problem if you don't like it.

I'm always thinking about him which I actually used to really like. I used to like being his and now. I don't and I can't figure out why. I really wish I knew. i could use some insight on this. I feel bad about that too cause it's like. shouldn't I want to be his? aren't I supposed to?

It's me that's changed. [Well obviously it's me that's changed. I asked him 'what happened to us?' to which he replied 'you'. well yes but it wouldn't be us w/o me, so]. I remember how happy I was in the beginning................and maybe if we take a break I can have that back I really don't know. i mean........ i miss that. But, you can never step in the same river twice, as they say. Well you can but it won't be the same experience.

And fuk. aren't I a bit young to be this serious w/ someone? [ok so in the grand scheme of things if you think about that in terms of the general public no not really. If I were 17 and I was this serious then I can see someone being like 'well yeah']. But, again it just feels like it's too much. Last time we took an almost break we damn near broke up! And then I got really scared cause I wasn't sure if that was it. I didn't "correctly" break up w/ him. No bc to be perfectly honest I don't know how to "correctly" tell someone we need a break. w/o..........getting all caught up in my emotions. I'm not asking to know how.

And then there's the other thing. When we broke up[which, btw was in March] I briefly mentioned it on FB. Now, usually when I mention things - i.e., 'i'm not great'/'need help'/'lonely', w/e etc - no one pays much attention, if any. yeah some people can be so self-involved. [right like i'm one to talk]. And then I phoned my cousin who told my mom without. telling me first. ok um wow. I know she wasn't sure what to do but that's not the point. I really don't care for it to be, frankly.

So now, I'm paranoid that if I mention something like that again there, that'll happen again. And don't tell me it won't. tell me. you get it.

To be perfectly honest, the main reasons I'm w/ him are 1: convention [yes if you've not gathered by now, my repution is pretty big in my world. If that's not how you are then ok]. yes that's right. it's bloody convenient. i know.............i know, i feel bad about it too. I'm w/ him so that I don't. rock the boat w/ my mom. And no that won't change. it's like going 'i'm only w/ you cause I have to be not cause I want to be'.

And B: sex/physicality. we haven't had sex i mean not.........um..........in the usual way. [we were on my sofa fully clothed]. When I say I miss him that's what I miss. is him his sex his physicality. our sex life. which, btw has been good just. a bit inactive due to me. Yeah one of my favorite things to do w/ him is...........everything that makes up our sex life. the biting and kissing and making out and.um. rubbing. It's not, us holding each other or........it's.........it's not sitting there watching tv. And his is. and it's like 'the only reason I want to be w/ you is' - well ok not 'only' the main  - 'to physically sexually be with you'. and doesn't that mean i'm just using him?

and in that. i'm no better than the rest of the world. and what does that say about me. [no i'm actually asking].

But, if I decided to stray and go like, make out w/ someone else I probably wouldn't want the sex-physicality as much bc it wouldn't be him. bc it simply wouldn't mean as much.

I'm making too much of this I know.

So, again. 1: convention and B: sex-physicality. not cause I love him. [well i mean i do love him don't get me wrong].

Another point I'm going to makebringup.is. dependency. Yes. Dependency.

i..............................................er.....................

Oh. I think, maybe. to be perfectly honest I mightcould be a bit too dependent on him. He's the one I tell my day to he's the one I phone when I'm upset/not feeling good. He's the one I phone on Wed. after I get back from doing stuff w/ my mom. He's the one I tell everything to.............when something comes up regarding us and not even something 'bad'.

So, yeah. That's what's really going on.