may 1, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 9:25 p.m.
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- Public
'>.......too close.
So tonight's ep. was about abuse. Well, physical abuse. And it of course reminded me of me and what I'd gone through. the 1st time. W/ all the guilt and the..........wanting to go back. well it's not so much that I wanted to as years after [which makes me sound older than I am and like it's happened farther back than it has] I wondered if he loved me when I was thin then why do I keep going back. to that. to the thin.ness.
Yeah but no one res anyone bc they're pretty. They do it in spite of that. And everything that's pretty gets destroyed eventually. [this, coming from a v. destructive woman. yeah i know i know. hey i cut before i met him. and had anorexia long before that]. Yeah. he def. changed my perception of beauty. he corrupted the hell out of me. he was. controlling. and nice. but also slightly overpowering. he wanted me to listen to certain music. or, rather. a certain radio sation.
he wanted me to do things.............certain [sexual] things, to myself. not bad not destructive. um.......it involves dealing w/ your sex drive. At the time I didn't realise that was supposed to happen. That people, um. did that. That it was 'normal'. Sure I'd had sex ed in boarding school but that was it. And I vaguely remember it just that I had it. not what we went over. Once when we were all gathered in the gym a member of the uh, staff told us not to let anyone...................you know. near. 'there' but that was it. She didn't go into detail wasn't like 'so it's supposed to feel this way' or w/e. so yeah them being vague didn't help a whole lot.
And in HS - hell even in boarding school - my friends and I didn't talk about that stuff. Sure in boarding school there was a group of girls and a group of guys who [i mean. a group of both] all hungout and did that stuff. you know, sexual stuff. The most sexual thing I did during that time was kissing. yeah i know how tame. mainly during spin-the-cell-phone.
You know so it wasn't like 'i'm going out w/ this guy Friday night' 'omg are you nervous? tell me all about it when you get back'. I honestly didn't. In fact I didn't start dating untill my 20's. And I mean, casually dating. I dated about 10 guys 2 summers ago. had 1 short term relationship.
Yeah back when I was 17 I flirted.online............... and then my mom found out and..........well, we won't go there.
In middle school there was that group of girls too. and i, again, wasn't one of them. Sure I liked guys it's not like I didn't. But I didn't really know how to handle that.
Oh so getting back to my point. Abuse/the 1st guy. um..............................umumum. You know when we met he was nice. he noticed I was. broken. and............i....... was flattered he took notice. other than my family I didn't know anyone when I came back. He took notice and we talked. we met at a library. the, library.
I remember one day I left him a note in the library ............................................................................. stating we needed to talk. That was after. the re. after we drifted apart. I don't remember the day we drifted apart or the day we met though I know it was in August towards the end of the summer.
and we never talked. the last time I saw him as in literally saw him was in April 6 yrs ago last month. I remember that very clearly. I told my sister about it that night. she was off to a rave. he didn't take notice of me.
And then before that when I was 18, in the fall.
he introduced me to his world the people he knew which weren't many. he pulled me under. but he wasn't constantly abusive. You know it wasn't like 'you're going to do this now'. I don't even know if I'd call it abusive. I very clearly remember him telling me once "honey. i have PTSD". apparently he'd been a soldier. or so he said.
damnitdamnitdamnit.
and, at the time I had no idea what that meant. i don't remember our 1st kiss. or our last one. or the last day we saw each other.
we had a future planned. and then it just. one day all stopped.
The day of the Parking Garage Incident [which I now know as having been sexually abused which, is not technically-semantically the same as being r**ed] he didn't do anything to stop. his um. 'friend'.
and fuk man. just.fuk. aren't you supposed to protect your girlfriend from that kindof stuff? from some guy twice her age looking.........at.........her.
he has PTSD and now he's the reason I do. well wow.
he wasn't maniluptive.
i've never confessed this but. i've looked him up on myspace. once. he seems well-liked according to his comments on his page. and that makes me angry. it's like 'you don't know what he did'.
i wonder what he's doing now. where he is. if he's drinking.or.not.
i let him do everything to me. except. we didn't have sex. [well no clearly not. i mean that isn't physically how it.happened].
truth is i was really naieve. and i really don't like that.
i'm still afraid of that happening. [more on this later].
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