may 14, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'and shouldn't bother me this much but it does.

Like I said. TW.

oh god. So, also as put. Something happened over the weekend. it was scary. and big.

Still scared/shaken.

Copied from an email:

'So........this past weekend.............um. James & I are in his bed and he. puts his hand on the front of my neck i'm not sure why, exactly. [i might ask him later but right now i need time/space from him, so]. but I don't think it was for any malicious reason or anything like that.

So. and I just completely tripped out. I got really scared.

See, - and only, like. 4 people know this and now 5 including you - back in high school. My mom picked me up one day to go 'home'. [or, back to their place]. I don't recall what she was yelling about but she was and then.she. her hand reached out and was on the back of my neck. [interesting thing here is when James does that I don't trip out]. And I've never been, uh, 'triggered' like this in regards to that before. But it's never happened before, so.

I mean honestly. This brings it all back..........the things my mom's said/done over the yrs. The fact that, back in high school if she ever did anything like that again I absolutely would tell someone. [which she hasn't]. The reason why I'd been scared of her for yrs. and up untill a few yrs ago I was remembering her as she was and not as she is now. And that's why I don't put much thought into/haven't processed it. bc I don't want to go back to that. [i realise though in stating that that's really the only way to deal w/ it].

It's not something I bring up w/ anyone. ever. If that triggered me that badly is that some sort of psychological thing? [since i've not got a better way to explain it. yes i want your opinion here].

After, he and I talked about it and he kept apologising and he told me he would never hit me. [which is interesting since, as you know, his dad did]. Yeah well thanks I appreciate it but that's not exactly comforting......... even though it 'should' be.

And even though, logically there's no way in hell I 'should' be...........I'm still scared of him. Even though it wasn't malicious.

Even if I weren't going to the city [new york, start. Wed. and i'll be back Sat.] I'd still need a few days. it would still scared me. and i feel bad about that cause he's really nice. he's a helluva guy. up untill now other than triggering me he's never done anything like that.

I don't know'