may 14, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>......don't like that/making too much of this/not just him everything's connected/i can still feel it.

Ok, so. As put. I feel like I can't fully trust him bc he scared me. Quite frankly I had been wondering about that [the hand........neck.........thing], in terms of S&M. Like 'hm I wonder how it would be if he.........?', yeah did that. But that's when I know about it and I'm used to it. He's run his fingers along my collarbone before when seducing me [which i really like]. But that's different.

I feel like I can't trust him not to scare the living hell out of me. For the first time since we met I'm actually scared of him. And you're not supposed to be scared of people you love [well actually that's not entirely true since I was scared of my mom for years and I love her. so].

Of course. I'm sure remembering it in that fashion doesn't help any [well no].

And it's not him. It's what it did to me. Bc in my life, it's not 'ok this one thing happened apart from everything else'. Except w/ the small things, like grocery shopping. It's all connective. Ya know? and connected.

oh god. I can still feel it............his hand. there. I know he didn't mean it nor did he know. And. so neither did I. How could I? and how could he? It's this. tightness.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't want to see him for awhile and I don't want to talk to him.

I know, as w/ most things, I'm making too much of this. Yeah well how could I not.