may 15, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>.........of compassion. well. his lack of compassion.

Copied from an email:

'As put. I feel like we're drifting apart due to lack of compassion. well, rather, his lack of compassion.

I love him but.........I'm not sure that I'm in love w/ him. And I really would like someone to actually tell me 'hey but ya know what? that's fine' or, 'you're not supposed to love someone as much as they love you/a certain amount'.

His way of helping is offering advice/input/opinion. what have you. However............however........he's told me several times that w/ advice it's 'take it or leave it'. And unless people actually physically state that I'll feel like I have to take it. More often than not he'll actually not sit there and shut it and listen.

I know it sounds weird [or. i don't know perhaps not] but sometimes. I actually want him to not know what to do/say so that he will state that and therefore listen. He's not the most compassionate person and that's not his fault. Since, apparently. that's how guys are.

In a weird way I can see myself being w/ one of his brothers bc 1: he's fairly quiet, B: he has bipolar and so therefore I feel like he gets me more. Not that we've talked a lot but so far........that's my gathering. Now I wouldn't. It's one thing to 'stray' [as I really don't like the other word] from your man. It's quite another to do it w/ his own brother.

There've been a few times where I've thought something about 'I wish I was in a relationship w/ a woman'. as they're more compassionate. But I know that whoever I'd be w/...........we'd still have our problems. I think, now that I'm again in one, I like the idea of being on first dates than in a relationship. So to be honest I've gone on this one site in search of that. I kindof feel bad about that - you're the only one I've told about this btw - cause it's like. shouldn't I not want to do that? And then if I actually act on that and even if I don't tell him then ...........I mean. that's clearly not a good plan.

The other day when we had yet another fight I asked him if he wanted to see other people. he didn't and asked me the same thing. I don't recall what I said but I think it was 'no'. Yeah but 1: that's clearly not true and B: there's a difference between wanting something and actively doing it. so.

But, also. Breaking up w/ him would be worse than being w/ him. from what he's told me. We'd be completely cut off from each other.

um............there might've been more to this...........