june 1, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'So yesterday my sister & I were talking about my mom. er. our, mom rather. And apparently, according to Kate, Mom won't let herself be vulnerable. She's nice but she's not........er.well. she's not sweet. she's not like me. nothing against my mom I mean she's great. hell she's the strongest person I know. Yeah and tthat's exactly why. is because she won't let herself be vulnerable.

yeah but sometimes. it takes more to be vulnerable than to not .be.

 And up untill v. recently I always thought that was a good thing. But maybe it's not. Maybe by not being vulnerable i've shut people out. Bc that's what i was raised to believe. [also. on that note.......   well yeah].

I'm just wondering where my mom got that from. it goes back farther than just me. Ya know............. I pointed out to Kate that Mom has reasons to feel that way and she's like 'yeah'.

Kate and I've never talked about that. up untill now. it was a brief but memorable discussion.thing.er. exchange of words?

I know my mom's got a dark past. as do I. and maybe that's what kept her from being as nice as she could've. don't get me wrong i love her she's great. I have my stuff too but ya know what? i'm really sweet. but. i'm also not a mom, so.

i'm not blaming my mom. it's just..........it's sad. ya know.

Sure I could ask. But A; i like the whole mystery of not knowing and 2; i don't feel this huge compulsion to know.

if you won't let yourself feel anything then. you can't really fully be there