may 30, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'I just want to be more content and I keep thinking of reasons not to be.

she let me lie to her. about the food thing. I just feel like if she knew that and she knew how sory I was . but i don't know that she's still holding on to me. i should've let her go a long time ago. i should've drunk dialed her a long time ago.

I hate to think that I'm almost er well 'encouraging' myself to drink just so I can drunk dial her and tll her all this. and be done w/ it all. I mean that's not good. that's not a good reason to drink. [yes and alcoholism is? well. ok so no].

But drinking for that reason would prove she's right. That I am hurt by her. well so what if I am. And that I'm still holding on to that hurt. instead of being like 'yeah she hurt me but it doesn't matter'. the way I am w/ Jacob.

And she treated me well. Jacob in the end didn't. She tried to understand me. She let me do stuff to her. Maybe what I want and frankly need to hear from her is 'it's not that bad. yeah you've hurt me and yeah we're both sorry. and i get it. but it's ok...... i've forgiven you'.

and maybe that'll help too.

The thing is the more I try to distance myself from her the more I don't want to. even though I need to. So I can start to move forward. I'm not friends w/ people for that long. What we had was good. it was quick but it was damn good.

So it's like I need her to tell me stuff so I can move forward so I can be more content. And yet I know as soon as she sends me an email about all this I won't read it. And if I can start to.er. i mean. If I have closure then I can start to move forward here.

That's the only way I'll really stop obsessing. it's the only way i'll really make it right when I finally have a chance to.