june 11, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'ug.

I feel awful. I feel physically awful.

Currently: 9 p.m.

I'm so. insecure. which is really sad, actually. but more on that later [it has to do w/ this past weekend].

This has happened before. I've not felt like I measure up. See, here's the thing: James likes er, bigger women. Not like Adele big - and no nothing against Adele. I happen to love her. Or women of that size. Long as yall are healthy and content. please don't misunderstand. - but, w/ a few more lbs on them than me.

Yeah see here's the thing. Well, more than 1.actually. A: ever since I was 22, I've discovered that my body won't let me lose/gain 3 lbs. at a time. [i know, women everywhere who are reading this are thinking 'god i wish i had that problem']. No and I'm not bitching about it. I'm not. Believe me that's a really good thing. In college I wasn't like that. No in college I was hella angular. - which, is what I mean whenever I hear people tell me I'm tiny. Small yeah but that - 'tiny' - brings to mind someone who's all angles. not a few curves. If I'm not angular then it's not that bad.

[ok another point I'm going to make. which literally just now occured to me: no matter how little I eat I'll never be angular. It doesn't mean I haven't lost weight. And I need to remember that].

I guess............   the real issue here is I feel like he's telling me to be that way. Like, if I don't he won't like me.

Now who is this really about? him, or me. How I feel about me or how he feels.    ................  ok ok point made. how I feel about me. As it always has been.

He makes me feel good. physically and sexually. So why don't I. now there's the real question.

Another thing I have to remember is that: love isn't measured in numbers. And he might prefer that...........   but he's not in love w/ that.