june 11, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'It's currently 2:20 a.m. and I'm a bit tipsy, so. just had the last of SoCO in the bottle 'bout a shot and a bit of vermouth & coke, so. it's mostly cherry coke. oh god i love SoCo.

sO. my man and i were talkin bout my dad............another thing on my mind along w/ everything else i've not mentioned, is. that it was my dad's birthday yesterday and............father's day is apparently this coming Friday. I never like those days. and so James is like 'well your dad's a nice guy you could at least...............you know, acknowledge that'. he hetaed his dad and he still...........did.stuff.i.think.

and he's got more of a reason to not.do stuff. well. so he's a better person than i for that.

yeah but I, apparently, don't forgive. my dad wasn't there so why would i want him there now? he can't just waltz back into my life like nothing's happened.ok so..............yes that's...........that's true. point there.

james is like 'i'd encourage you to.............'. like. acknowledge my dad. yeah you and the rest of the damn world hun. cmon i know what you're all thinking. You all want me to.You know it would be better for me.

yeah but..............much as you're right. Here's the thing. Once I've made a choice.........I pretty much stick to it. there's not er.............you really can't change thatr. you can state your opinion all you bloody well want but doesn't mean i'll listen. No in fact cause I won't.

and herewe are again. he and i were solid for a fukin month w/o no fights nothin. untill this past weekend. this weekend a lot happened. And we.............almost fought. it took everything i damn had to not say to him 'ya know what? we don't have to do this'. bc of my depression. and pardon my apathy but i don't give a fuk. it took everything i had for me to not physically turn away from him.

um.

Things were good. untill it all started getting to me. the depression, the anorexia [oh excuses excuses], the............uh. drinking. i'm amazed i've not cut yet. i've been trying to do better w/ the eating.

yeah trying. but what's that worth?

see that's the thing. is i ......................................uh...............I er. can't accept the middle. i can't be ok w/ the middle. or anything, really. i can't just be like 'hey ya know what i'm trying and that's really great. and i'ma keep trying'. oh no.

no...........no..............No...............or maybe it's that. i don't want to. no really maybe i don't want to change. which. we already know.

i guess i'm failing. again.